A few deacons fellowshiping over coffee deal with various subjects about the church. Eventually, someone brings up the preacher and that ignites the interest of the rest of the group. One or two have some concerns and suggestions.

"The pastor is so effective, but he could be moreso if he would just do this."

"I agree. And the thing my wife mentioned, he should be doing that."

"Well, who's going to tell him? And how would he take it?"

From there, the group decides on a plan. After all, how could the pastor not receive this well? Aren't we all in his corner? Haven't we shown him how much we appreciate him? And hasn't he been preaching about how we are to grow and improve? Surely, he'll want us to bring these suggestions to him.

What the deacons either do not know or do not care to know is that Pastor Tom carries scars from his dealings with a rogue deacon group in his previous church. And even though he loves his present flock and sees God blessing his ministry, something inside him expects another bomb to go off, for some little group to show up at his door demanding that their wishes be met if he wants to remain in that church.

This is a delicate moment in the relationship of Pastor Tom and this assemblage of deacons. The problems are twofold: the pastor does not see it coming and thus is not prepared, and the deacons have no idea what they are about to stir up.

It does not go well, and here's why.

So, the men descend on the pastor's office, certain they will be well received, confident they are affirming him and doing the church a favor.

"Preacher, we have here a list of improvements we'd like you to make."

"You're a wonderful preacher and everyone loves you, but...."

In the coffee shop discussion, the men began with a short list. But as they talked, the list expanded to include the preacher's clothing, the versions of Scripture he uses, the youth minister's facial hair, the condition of the men's bathroom, the renovations the preacher is doing on his own home, the frequency of his golf outings, and his wife's reported refusal to take her turn in the nursery.

The pastor is overwhelmed. Remembering the pain from the confrontation with the trouble-making deacons in the last church, all the old feelings of hurt and anger, of resentment and anguish, come rushing back. He feels as though his visitors have backed up a dumptruck and deposited a ton of bricks on his shoulders.

He does not react well. The deacons are surprised by his reaction and begin explaining and defending their position.

It goes downhill from there.

Each side digs a trench and burrows in. Within hours, they will tell their wives and (ahem) one or two other deacons. Soon, two things happen: the word spreads throughout the church and everyone begins to choose sides.

It did not have to come to this. There is a better way.

There is an effective way for deacons to make suggestions to their preacher, even to confront him if he is seriously out of line, and for everyone to come out winners.

1. Let the deacons support their godly pastor and put the church's welfare first.

If the pastor is doing something unethical, unscriptural, illegal, or immoral, then do not support him. He needs to be removed from the pulpit and the sooner the better.

Otherwise, get behind him.

The unity of the church--and therefore the effectiveness of its ministry--is at stake. Ephesians 4 contains a great essay on the importance of unity.

But what if you don't like the sport shirt the preacher wears in the pulpit sometimes? And you wish he used a different version of Scripture? And you don't like the way he took up the offering last Sunday, or the frequent mention of money?

Grow up.

No pastor is perfect and no church member gets everything he wants.

Your church is made up of hundreds of members (in some cases, it's scores of members and in other churches, thousands of members) and you are upset that you cannot have your own way? It's not going to happen. The sooner you realize that, the better off everyone will be.

Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. (Ephesians 5:21) This humble attitude more than any one other thing is the key to unity within a congregation. Submission means the opposite of each one wanting his own way.

2. Show your support visibly. Speak up. Take an active role in affirming the Lord's man.

When you honor the shepherd the Lord sends to your church, you honor the Lord.

This week a church near here will be ordaining its new pastor. Michael has belonged to that church for decades, first as a member and later as a deacon. He is about to make a discovery that will take him completely by surprise: He does not know his members as well as he thinks he does.

The members are different when you are the pastor.

After serving on staff of two churches, my friend Jim became a senior pastor. He will tell you nothing was as he had expected. Previously, his nights were his own; now, the phone rings at all hours. Before, the pastor sheltered him from harsh criticisms and unrealistic expectations from members; now, there is no buffer between him and the congregation. Before, he had lots of buddies in the congregation; now, while he still has some close friends, many of his members are like babies needing pacifiers. He had never seen them in this light until he became pastor.

Michael is going to find that church members who were his peers and friends will now look upon him as their employee. Not all, thank the Lord, but some. (And, it doesn't take many to many one's life miserable.)

So, faithful deacon, speak up for your pastor. When he's going through stressful or demanding times, find ways to encourage him. When he brings a recommendation to the church, be quick to jump up and thank God for the vision He has given our pastor.

This is not a plea for a plaque of appreciation, a vote of (ahem) "one hundred percent approval by the deacons", or a church fellowship where everyone comes by and shakes the preacher's hand or hugs his neck. I'm not suggesting you thoughtlessly rubber-stamp everything he proposes, but rather that when he is doing well, you lead the team in supporting his efforts.

Each pastor is different. What blesses one will not touch another. A gift certificate for him and his wife at a B & B in the next town will be well received by some but meaningless to another. A new book will bless one pastor but another reads only eBooks on his Kindle.

You will want to pay attention to your shepherd and do the things that encourage him most.

What encourages a pastor more than any other single thing? Answer: For you to knock yourself out serving the Lord Jesus Christ through the church and its ministries.

3. Only those who support him as God's man--and have built a track record of faithful service and positive affirmation--may go to the pastor with their criticisms/suggestions.

Every church--I mean EVERY church--has members who like nothing about the pastor. They criticize his ties, his sermons, his shoes, his wife, and his children. They find fault with his theology, his office layout, and the car he drives.

Do everything in your power to see that such people are never, ever appointed to anything in your church. Well, maybe the latrine committee, but that's it until they get their attitude right.

These people have spiritual problems. They are taking out their rebellion against God on the one He has sent to them. (That principle is seen all through Scripture, friend. Count on it being accurate.)

There is a philosophy that goes: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." So, well-intentioned but thoughtless members will suggest the pastor's critics should be appointed to places of influence and leadership in order to a) see how wrong they are, b) change their position, c) let them belly-ache in committee meetings and not on the floor of church business sessions, and d) possibly get a few of the changes they desire in order to see if that placates them.

Do not let this happen.

Only those who have shown their love for God by faithful service and contributions and their Christlike attitude can be trusted with congregational influence and leadership.

In our church, I could name a few deacons who epitomize servanthood so completely, if any one of them had a suggestion to the pastor, I guarantee Pastor Mike would welcome them and hear them gladly. They have earned that right by their faithfulness. (Such faithful men are then willing to leave their suggestions with the pastor for him to follow, ignore, or postpone.)

Earn the right to influence, deacon. That's the point.

4. Before bringing criticisms or suggestions for improvements to the minister, have them vetted by the godliest, most mature person in the church.

And pay close attention to what they tell you.

In many cases, they will warn you off. If they are indeed godly and mature, in counseling you not to go forward with this, they will use soft words, something like, "Are you sure you want to do this?" Pay attention, friend. That is their way of saying, "Are you out of your cotton-picking mind? Not in a hundred years should you do this to our preacher!"

If, however, the consensus in your group is that "we ourselves are the most godly, mature people in this church," then you have a problem. An ego problem.

Anyone who thinks of himself first when someone mentions the godly and mature is living in a fantasy world.

When a little group who see themselves as the spiritually elite approaches the pastor with a program for reform or a wish list or a few suggestions they want him to consider (that is, if he wants to keep his job), nothing good will come from it. The pastor has no choice but to comply if he wants to keep on their good side. They have put him in an untenable position.

Should you run your list by several "godly and mature" church members? No. You do not want to appear to be building support for your pastor-improvement program. One person is sufficient. You're simply asking, "Do you think taking this to the preacher would be a good idea?"

5. Watch for these diversionary tactics trouble-makers employ in trying to manipulate the pastor.

The control-wannabes will tell the preacher, "A lot of people in the church feel this way." Okay, who exactly? Give me some names. "Too many to name," is the only answer you will get.

It's the ultimate act of cowardice.

In most cases, the "lot of people" is the speaker and his wife.

No deacon should ever bring anonymous criticism to the pastor. It's unfair to him and prevents him from knowing the significance or scope of the problem. When people come to a deacon criticizing the preacher, he should say, "Come with me and we'll go see the pastor right now." If they refuse, he should say, "All right. I'll go, but I'll use your name." If they refuse that, the matter ends there. Period.

Another method they use is to warn the pastor that failing to follow their changes will stir up trouble in the church. "We want peace, pastor," they will insist. But the way to have peace is for you to obey them.

In 1939-40 after Hitler's storm troopers invaded Poland, England declared war on Germany. Hitler acted offended. "Why are you doing this? We have nothing against England. We haven't invaded you. You are trouble-makers. The British are warmongers."

In I Kings 18:17-18, King Ahab accused Elijah of being a "trouble-maker in Israel." The man of God responded, "I have not troubled Israel, but you and your father's house have, because you have forsaken the commandments of the Lord, and you have followed the Baals."

When pastors refuse to go along with the manipulative agenda of the troublemakers, they accuse him of causing strife in the congregation. If he tells the congregation what the little group tried to pull, the membership rises up and reacts against them. This makes the strife more public, people get angry at the abusive, and some will leave the church (not always a bad thing). To the controllers, it was all the preacher's fault for taking it public.

These people want it both ways. Let us sabotage your ministry in private; if you make it public, the resulting warfare is your fault.

The typical church member has no idea that some congregational leaders can be evil and quite willing to destroy the church to get their own way.

I say tell them.

Church members attend worship, sing the hymns, enjoy the choir, hear the sermon, give offerings, greet old friends, and head back home--all without a clue as to the underhanded maneuvering frequently going on behind the scenes. And even if you told them, many would not believe you. "No, not Brother Smith. Why, he teaches our Sunday School class and there is not a finer man anywhere."

Church-destroyers who are most effective have learned to function on various levels. They do their most destructive work behind the scenes and send their lackeys to represent them in public. It was not they who visited the pastor to demand changes or face termination, it was their underlings.

6. If your church is to be healthy and the deacons a team of faithful servants, leaders must take a strong stand against pastor-manipulators and church destroyers.

Let good and faithful deacons stand up against trouble-makers in their midst or within the congregation.

The general rule is to abandon the pastor and let him handle it alone. While that may sometimes work, generally it is disastrous to his ministry and to the church.

Church bosses--real or intended--may get pastors fired and ruin their ministries for years if not for decades. The fact that the preacher needs an income to take care of his family puts him at a serious disadvantage.

There are some people, however, over whom the would-be church bosses have no power: the other members. I suggest that in churchwide business meetings, once you get wind that a group is working behind the scenes to undermine the pastor's ministry, you stand up and ask key questions about these issues. Often, those questions sound like: "Who decided this?" "By what authority did this group do that?" "And what does the pastor think of this? I'd like to hear."

The light of day is the worst thing vermin fear.

7. Determine that you will never be a party to any attempt to undermine a pastor's ministry.

The only exception, as stated above, comes if he is involved in something immoral, unethical, illegal, and/or unbiblical.

The email yesterday from a pastor pointed out that this little group of deacons ran the previous pastor off after 30 months of ministry. He noted, "I am now in my 30th month." Last week, the team of self-appointed church bosses confronted him with changes he has to make or face termination.

It would not do for me to address such a group. I do not have the patience or the temperance.

I would tell them they are messing around on holy turf. That they are angering God. That they are trying to cripple a good man's ministry in ways from which it may never recover. That the issue is not the silly little list of changes they are demanding. That the issue is control of the church. And they are treading on thin ice, since the church is neither theirs nor the preachers.

"I will build my church," said our Lord in Matthew 16:18. It's His, and He shares ownership with no one.

Keep your list of recommended changes, disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. And pray the Lord never makes you a pastor. Or if He does, that He will give you sweet and faithful servant-minded workers like the kind you intend to be from now on.

He flew those bi-planes in World War I for the United States, and then barn-stormed throughout the 1920's, giving thrills by taking risks you would not believe. He led the retaliatory bombing of Tokyo in early 1942, a few months after Japan bombed Pearl Harbor. He played a major role in the Allied victory over the Axis, eventually becoming a General. His autobiography is titled "I Could Never Be So Lucky Again."

Doolittle and his wife Joe (that's how they spelled her name) had two sons, Jim and John, both of whom served in the Second World War.

The general wrote about the younger son:

John was in his plebe year at West Point and the upperclassmen were harassing him no end.... While the value of demeaning first-year cadets is debatable, I was sure "Peanut" could survive whatever they dreamed up. (p. 284)

Later, General Doolittle analyzes his own strengths and weaknesses and makes a fascinating observation:

(I) have finally come to realize what a good thing the plebe year at West Point is. The principle is that a man must learn to accept discipline before he can dish it out. I have never been properly disciplined. Would have gotten along better with my superiors if I had. (p. 339)

"I have never been properly disciplined." What an admission. It take a mature person to say that.

From what I read, I'd say Doolittle was not exaggerating. He was a man with a thousand strengths, but his few weaknesses kept creeping up and blindsiding him. Numerous times, even after he became a national hero, the officers in charge of his current assignment would ground him because of crazy stunts like buzzing airfields upside down and flying under bridges and endangering his passengers.

Prior to the Allied invasion of Normandy (June 6, 1944), the actual place and time were the biggest secrets on the planet. Everyone was sworn to silence. Doolittle tells of a general who shot his mouth off in a bar, talking freely about the invasion, speculating on when and where, even though he personally had not been briefed.

Eisenhower had no patience with such foolishness.

He learned self-discipline the hard way.

What lack of discipline looks like.

Doolittle observed that had he ever been properly disciplined, he would have related to his superiors better.

That's one way you can tell the lack of discipline--how one relates to the authority over him.

Those who teach these things say that in checking out prospective ministers for your church staff, you will want to look into the relationship of that individual with his father. If he is improperly related to his father, look for trouble with you his supervisor.

Lack of discipline shows up in so many ways:

--In sloppy workmanship.

--In being unable to say 'no' to oneself.

The story of Eli and his sons Hophni and Phinehas from I Samuel 2 illustrates the kind of lawless behavior resulting from a lack of discipline.

"Now, Eli was very old, and he heard all that his sons were doing to all Israel (referring to their sinful behavior as priests in the Tabernacle). .... And he said to them, 'Why do you do such things, the evil things that I hear from all these people? No, my sons, for the report is not good that I hear the Lord's people circulating. If one man sins against another, God will mediate for him. But if a man sins against the Lord, who can intercede for him?' But they would not listen to the voice of their father (and God decided they deserved the death penalty)."

We read that and think, "Eli, you are the high priest! These sons are accountable to you. You can fire them, demote them, and send them home. Instead, all you can say is 'what I hear is not good' and 'God will judge you'? Is that it?"

In a sense, the sons paid dearly for the father's failure to discipline them from an early age.

Whose job is it to teach discipline?

Answer: The parents, teachers, coaches, scoutmasters, choir leaders, pastors, grandparents, and bosses.

Anyone to whom we looked for guidance growing up did us a great injustice if they did not hold us accountable for our work and at least make an honest effort to teach us self-discipline.

In the absence of being taught discipline in childhood, we are obligated to become our own teacher, to put ourselves through the paces, to learn to say 'no' when tempted to take the easy way out, and to say 'yes, you will stay and do your job' when to quit and go home looks so attractive.

It's not called "self-discipline" without reason.

The Bible puts a high prize on this kind of discipline.

So many Proverbs come to mind here....

A wise son accepts his father's discipline, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke. (Pr. 13:1)

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who roles his spirit, than he who captures a city. (Pr. 16:32) The hardest person to conquer is often ourselves.

Understanding is a fountain of life to him who has it, but the discipline of fools is folly. (Pr. 16:22) Some people cannot be disciplined.

My Shreveport friend Perry Lassiter points out that "Blessed are the meek" (Matthew 5:5) is making the same point. The Greek praus (meek, gentle) refers to those who are so strong they control themselves. The word is the opposite of uncontrolled, self-indulgent, or self-assertive. Jesus called Himself meek in Matthew 11:29, and Scripture calls Moses the meekest man on the earth (Numbers 12:3).

Perry reminds us the word "praus" was used of tamed animals. They were mighty in strength, but were able to do wonderful feats because that strength was controlled and focused.

Paul told young Timothy, "With gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowlede of the truth" (II Timothy 2:25).

The fruit of the Spirit, according to Galatians 5:22-23, involves nine Christlike qualities, with the eighth being "self-control." The believer who cannot control his impulses still has miles to go before attaining maturity and effectiveness in the Kingdom.

The most perfect picture of the strength-under-control which is the ultimate self-discipline is our Lord on the cross. Peter said, "While being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously" (I Peter 2:23).

So, what does discipline look like?

Discipline looks like Jesus on the cross. "For the joy set before Him, (He) endured the cross, despising the shame.... Consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you may not grow weary and lose heart" (Hebrews 12:2-3). Discipline stays with the hard job because the payoff is worth it.

Discipline looks like Jesus when arrested. "Then they came and laid hands on Jesus and seized Him. And behold, one of those who were with Jesus reached and drew out his sword and struck the slave of the high priest and cut off his ear. Jesus said to him, 'Put your sword back into its place.... Do you think I cannot appeal to My Father, and He will at once put at My disposal more than twelve legions of angels?" (Matthew 26:51-53) Discipline does not retaliate, but keeps its focus and its cool.

Discipline looks like Jesus on trial. "Like a sheep that is silent before its shearers, so He did not open His mouth" (Isaiah 53:7). On trial, "(King Herod) questioned Him at some length; but He answered him nothing" (Luke 23:9). Discipline control its tongue. (See James 3)

Pity the church with an undisciplined pastor.

The undisciplined pastor will get some things right, but not consistently. He will often produce great sermons for which he did the requisite study and preparation, but he will also be lazy for long periods and rerun old sermons.

The congregation with such a pastor will never know whether to count on the pastor or not. His word, given quickly, cannot be depended on. He will initiate programs but not follow through, make commitments which he does not keep, and have good intentions which come to little.

The undisciplined pastor will set goals and forget them, begin disciplines for self-improvement and church health and grow tired of them, and become a poster child for overeating, underexercising, and chronic excuse-making.

The well-disciplined pastor is a winner.

He reminds us of the praiseworthy woman of Proverbs 31. She "sees a field and buys it. She plants a vineyard. Her lamp does not go out by night. She is not afraid of cold weather for she has prepared warm clothing for the family. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness."

The disciplined spiritual leader is able to lead the people of God because he has conquered himself.

He does not retaliate when accused, but stays the course. He is able to love the attackers.

He does not carry grudges or harbor resentments when offended or mistreated. He is able to forgive and go forward.

He uses his time wisely, takes care of his health, and leaves no part of his ministry unattended.

In fact, the more I think about it, my pastor is the epitome of the disciplined man of the Lord. Mike Miller worked as a jet pilot in industry before coming to Christ, and was thus forced to learn early on the value of self-discipline and the dangers of its lack. Mike is in his mid-40s now and recently received his second doctorate from seminary. He is a great student of the Word, is well acquainted with current theological trends, and keeps up with important books in his field. When he stands to preach, the congregation never doubts that it will receive a well-studied and thoroughly thought-out message.

As one who has wasted more than a little time over my life, I look with great appreciation at the great way this pastor--any pastor!--invests his life.

Maybe pastors need a plebe year.

Let's say it's the first year of seminary. The upper classmen (and women) yell at them, harass them, and act like self-righteous churchmembers who demand their rights. They call them all hours of the night, asking them to get out of bed and meet a family in the ICU at the hospital. They catch the seminary student just before worship and criticize him, threaten him with the loss of his job unless certain adjustments are made, and see that his mind is on anything but worship.

What's that? Those things happen all the time? Preachers don't have a plebe year because they have a plebe life?

Well, to be fair, it's not all that way. Often a pastor can go, oh, a full month without a church member making unfair demands or a deacon threatening him with unemployment.

In the short run, it's painful. In the long run, it's what we signed on for.

When our Lord was sending out the disciples, He cautioned them on the mistreatment they could expect. Then He added, "A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a slave above his master. It is enough for the disciple that he become like his teacher and the slave as his master. If they have called the head of the house Beelzebul, how much more the members of his household!" (Matthew 10:24-25)

We go into the ministry expecting this, and sooner or later, we get it. What we do not expect, what comes as a surprise, is the source of the mistreatment: from within the family.

Twice now in past four days, godly pastors with proven track records have contacted me to say their deacons are pressuring them to obey their list of requirements or to leave. In both cases, the pastors are taking strong stands for the Lord and are paying the price.

My question to non-pastors: How would you like then to have to stand up the next Sunday, look out at the congregation knowing those critics are sitting there despising you, and open the Word and preach the Gospel? How would you like to go on loving them and ministering to them as though none of this happened, even though at the moment, you know they are plotting to end your ministry in this church and to severely cripple it for years? Welcome to the ministry.

To the pastors (a large term including all ministers, missionaries, etc) who are laboring on faithfully under such harassment, I have a word for you from God's Word: God is not unjust so as to forget your work, and the love that you have shown toward His name, in having ministered to the saints and in still ministering. (Hebrews 6:10)

They have no idea what they are to be and do. Depending on the whims of the deacon chairman for that year, they become servants or managers, program heads or administrators. Helpers or bosses. Activists or inactive.

The church's constitution and bylaws are usually vague on who they are, what they are to do, how they should function.

And, let us admit up front, Scripture does not give us a lot of guidance on this matter either. At every deacon ordination I've ever attended--and in a half century of ministry, that's quite a few--Acts 6:1-7 has been read. But there's not a word in that passage about those seven men being called deacons.

In fact, let's quit calling them deacons and start calling them what the name means: servants.

We pause for a moment to list the places where diakonos refers to people simply serving: Matthew 20:26; 22:13; 23:11. Mark 9:35; 10:43. John 2:5,9; 12:26. Romans 13:4; 15:8;16:1. I Corinthians 3:5. II Corinthians 3:6;6:4;11:15,23. Galatians 2:17. Ephesians 3:7;6:21. Colossians 1:7,23,25;4:7. I Thessalonians 3:2. I Timothy 4:6.

Did you notice the omission of all the references in the Bible to diakonos as official positions in the church? There are three: Philippians 1:1 and I Timothy 3:8,12.

Rather overwhelming, wouldn't you say?

In the well-known passage from I Timothy 3, Paul gives all kinds of qualifications for the church's deacons, but not a single word concerning their specific assignment. Either all his readers knew what deacons were to do and did not need direction from him, or, more likely, their work was open-ended, whatever the church needed at the moment.

I think we are safe in concluding that the needs of the church at a given time will dictate what the deacons are to do.

In some churches too large for the congregation to keep up with all the various ministries, they turn the oversight to the deacons. If that works for them, who's to say it's wrong? Not me.

In my church, the bylaws specifically state that the deacons are not a program-oriented force, but servants of the congregation. (And my oldest son is the chairman of the deacons.)

The word diakonos itself, which literally means "through the dust," carries a hint as to the work of deacons.

In the biblical world, homes which could employ servants frequently were built as rectangles surrounding an open courtyard, which allowed for air circulation to cool the rooms. When family members moved from one section of the house to another, they stayed inside the shaded areas. The servants, however, cut straight across the courtyard, hence the "through the dust" allusion.

From that, we may conclude that servants were those who did not mind getting dirty in fulfilling their tasks. They literally "did the dirty work," and took care of the lowliest jobs.

The implications for deacons is strong.

Incidentally, even though Acts 6 does not use the word diakonos, for my money this is a wonderful picture of how a deacon group should function: at the request of the ministers, chosen by the church, problem-solving, people-ministering, proclamation-helping.

Here are further (and random) thoughts on this matter for your consideration....

1. Whether a church even has deacons or not (as an official group) is strictly its decision.

Scripture does not instruct churches to choose deacons in order to fulfill the work of the Gospel. There is no one-size-fits-all organization for the Lord's churches. Jesus called His people to be "new wineskins," and thus flexible, adaptable, with plenty of give and take, as opposed to rigid, unbending, stiff, inflexible.

2. What a church needs from its deacons may change from one year to the next. Thus, the body's "official assignment" should not be carved in stone.

This may be expecting a lot from men who like their tasks clearly delineated so they can build on their accomplishments from year to year. But ideally, they should be sufficiently flexible to vary what they do according to the church's situation. One year, they may be caring for widows, another year they are assigned to get the food pantry up and working, and the next to care for members in hospitals and nursing homes.

Sometimes, deacons are trouble-shooters within congregations. When dissension arises, they deal with it.

3. I strongly suggest tossing out the name "deacons" and going with "servants" to clear up all confusion as to their identity and purpose. Strictly speaking, we could call them "the lowliest of servants," this being the thrust of servanthood given us by the Lord Jesus all through the Gospels. Doubters should read the first half of John 13. (Explanation: scholars tell us the task of washing the feet of guests who have just arrived fell to the lowest servant on the household staff. And yet, Jesus washed the feet of the disciples and then commanded that they follow His example.)

4. If a church chooses to have a deacon body, because of the multitude of abuses of their role over the years, it should be spelled out in the constitution and bylaws that they have no authority over anyone in the church. They are servants or nothing.

To be sure, many calling themselves deacons who take pride in their prominence will take offense at the notion of servanthood and leave in a huff. When that happens, the church is vastly better off. Only those with a heart for Christ and a desire to serve His people should be deacons.

It's high time we began taking Jesus seriously when He said, "Whoever wishes to be great among you shall be your servant" (Matthew 20:26). We either believe it or we don't. Let those who do not decline the "honor" of election as deacons.

5. Some will insist that the church needs an accountability group of one type or other to deal with the pastor and staff. I agree. But not the deacons.

Let the church select a small group of the most mature and Christlike men and women--do not miss that!--who are willing to rotate regularly. Let them meet with the pastor from time to time in a priestly function.

Say what?

In Bible times, the priests represented God before the people (proclamation, witness) and represented the people before God (intercession). A small accountability group-- Christlike men and women, rotating annually--will represent the congregation to the ministers and then, as needed, will speak to the congregation on behalf of the ministers.

Such a task force will have no authority to do anything. They are helpers for both groups.

6. There must be written guidelines for the deacons. But they cannot write them themselves.

In one church I served, when the deacons wanted to draw the requirements tighter as to who was eligible for service on their "board," they proceeded to amend their own bylaws. I insisted that they were "deacons of the church," and that only the congregation should make such decisions. Finally, over my objections--I did not like the new rules they were enacting--they took their plan to the congregation.

The members were not happy with what they had done, and told them so.

A deacon said to me afterwards, "I'm upset with the congregation. They didn't support their deacons." I said, "What do you think about the deacons not supporting their pastor? I told you not to do it, and you did it anyway." He had no answer. In time, he and I became great friends in Christ.

Did you notice that he expected the congregation to support the deacons, instead of the other way around?

To repeat: the deacons are a body selected by the church to do whatever the church decides is needed. Therefore, the church itself (meaning, those it selects) will write the bylaws for deacons, then bring it back to the congregation for approval.

7. Let the deacons work in anonymity. It will do them good. (It does us all good!)

There's not a word in Scripture that says deacons take up the offerings or serve the Lord's Supper or lead in prayer before passing the plate.

In a typical Baptist church, if you took away those three tasks--prayer before the offering, passing the plates, and serving the Lord's Supper--the deacons would have nothing to do.

And that tells us how they get into trouble. With nothing to do, one or more deacons begin looking around for something to occupy their time and fill their monthly meetings. Sooner or later, they begin to focus on someone's complaints about the preacher. (There are ALWAYS complaints about the preacher if he is doing anything! Never, ever lose sight of that, friend.) Before long, they have turned the monthly deacons' meeting into a call-the-preacher-on-the-carpet session. One thing leads to another, and well-meaning deacons soon find themselves caught up in a power struggle between the pastor and a few deacons. Nothing good will come from this.

This could have been averted had the deacons been assigned specific serving jobs in the congregation and been busy doing them. They would not have had the time or energy or inclination to meddle in the preacher's work.

8. There is a great way to put a stop to a church's deacons who, instead of being trouble-shooters, have become the source of the trouble themselves: disband them.

Almost every week, I receive a phone call or email or Facebook message from pastors telling me how the church was flourishing, new people were joining their congregation, and they were so happy--and then a delegation from the deacons came calling to straighten him out on a few things they found objectional. They threaten the preacher with termination (explicit or implied) if he does not adapt to their wishes.

One pastor was told by the deacon chairman, "We want you to preach from the King James Version of the Bible." The pastor said, "When the church interviewed me, I told you then the Scripture versions I use and you said there would be no problem." The chairman said, "Well, that's changed. You see, we have these expensive pew Bibles in the KJV and they need to be put to good use."

Trouble-makers.

At any business meeting of a Southern Baptist church, a member may stand and make a motion that "Since the deacons of this church are no longer fulfilling their assignment to serve the body, and since they are in violation of their promise to support the pastor, I move that the deacon body in this church be dissolved."

It has happened before. And when it is done, the congregation will usually make several discoveries:

a) There is peace within the fellowship, the first time in a long time.

b) They will lose a few members. The disgruntled power-brokers cannot take the humbling the congregation hands them. Few things reveal their spiritual immaturity more than how they handle this comeuppance.

c) The church will finally be able to keep a good pastor for years.

I am not anti-deacon. I am for deacons living up to their names. Period.

Let the conversation begin.

Did she take some teasing or even ridicule because of the rapid-fire way she was bringing children into the world? All 7 of us were born in a 9-year-span.

Lois Jane Kilgore was 17 when she agreed to marry Carl J. McKeever, a 21-year-old she had been seeing for three years. She was a farmer's daughter with a 9th grade education; he came from a long line of coal miners and dropped out of school in the 7th grade to go to work. He was the oldest of 12, she was the middle child of 9.

They surprised the preacher and got him out of bed that Saturday night, March 3, 1934, and asked him to perform the ceremony. There was no premarital counsel, no fancy surroundings, and for a time, no honorarium for the preacher. The next Monday, the coal miners went out on strike. An inauspicious beginning for marriage.

Lois had no idea what she had gotten herself into. Nothing from her sheltered, happy upbringing in the church-going farm family had prepared her for married life with that Irishman with the temper, a love for the sauce, and an unruly mob of siblings of all ages.

In time, Carl got his life straightened out, their marriage stabilized, and life was good. But for a couple or three decades, Lois paid a severe price for her determination to save her marriage and raise her brood of young'uns well.

As he aged, Carl became a wonderful patriarch in this family, revered and loved. He filled a room when he entered. He loved to talk, to tell a story, to read and learn and tell you what he had learned, and to work on problem-solving for the miners union of which he in time became a 70+ year member.

I grew up thinking he was the dominant force in my upbringing.

It took my wife to make me see otherwise.

I'm 95 percent about Lois McKeever. I owe her far more than I can ever know or say or repay. Here's what I mean.

Mom was a church-goer all her life. When 18-year-old Carl and his younger brother Marion, called Gip, found Lois and her sisters, it was at church where the youth were having a Saturday night singing.

As a preschooler, some of my earliest memories are getting our baths on Saturday night so we could walk to church the next morning. On Sundays, Lois would mobilize the older kids to help the younger ones, and we made it for both Sunday School and church. To do that, we walked a mile across fields and through woods.

In my 8th year, our family relocated to a coal-mining town outside Beckley, West Virginia, and moved into the saddest of company housing. Even though mom was a lifelong Baptist and the only church in Affinity was Methodist, that first Sunday morning she had all six of us there.

Where was Dad? Good question. He never went. Sometimes he worked, sometimes he was on a weekend bender with his buddies, and at other times, he was just gone, doing whatever adults do on Sundays when they're not in church.

For four years, we worshiped and participated in the life of that little church. Mom joined a quartet that sang in church. I learned to love everything about the church, from the pastor to the hymns to the fellowship.

At age 11--by now, we were living back in Alabama and attending the Baptist church--the Lord saved me.

Thanks to mom for having me in church.

2. I'm a preacher because of my mother.

This flows from the first, obviously. If she had not taken us to church regularly as children, I may well have never heard the gospel and been saved, and of course, never have become a preacher.

I was 21, a rising senior in college, and active in a wonderful Baptist church in Birmingham near the campus. Our church experienced a two-week-long revival that resulted in hundreds of new people coming to Christ. On Tuesday of the second week, while I sang in the choir ("Jesus Paid It All"), God invade my consciousness to inform me I was hereby called into the ministry. Not "to preach," nothing that specific or limited. Just "the ministry."

Everything in my life flows from those two events, salvation at age 11 and the ministry 10 years later.

My brother Ronnie, five years my senior, was married with three children when the Lord called him into the ministry. As a traveling salesman, he pastored at night and on weekends for years before settling down to pastor one church--Woodland Baptist Church (later Woodland West) in the western section of Birmingham.

Carl McKeever was pleased with our calls and careers; but Lois McKeever was the reason.

Every time Ron or Joe have led anyone to the Lord over these 50+ years (for each of us), I can imagine the Lord tells Gabriel or some angel, "Put another one down for Lois.

3. My mother showed us how to live the Christian life.

Mom read her Bible through the week and encouraged us in it. As an elementary schooler, I can recall coming downstairs on Saturday mornings reporting to her how many verses I had read that morning. Whether I was learning anything is beside the point.

There were times during those West Virginia years that I would walk home from school, perhaps half a mile from the top of that mountain, and have lunch with her. We would share soup and sandwiches and listen to her favorite radio preachers. That I was the only one of her six to do this I find puzzling even now.

Mom got zero spiritual encouragement from Dad in those early two decades of married life. She did it on her own. It must have been hard and often lonely and frequently discouraging.

Lois is the personification of perseverance. "Be thou faithful unto death and I will give thee a crown of life" (Revelation 2:10).

If I may be permitted to say this, the Lord owes her big time. We praise Him that He keeps His promises.

Ron told some of his members once, in paying tribute to mom, that she had never smoked, never took a drink, and never uttered a profane word in her entire life. Someone going out the door joked that she did not know what she missed.

She knew. She saw enough of all three in Carl to know she had missed nothing.

As a teen, I can recall the surprise I would feel when someone at church called on "Sister Lois" to lead in prayer. She was never very vocal about her faith, and to have her lead in public prayer like this was like a present to her children. Mom always began with "Dear Jesus," then spoke to the Lord easily as good friends do.

4. My mother started me drawing.

In 1945, when I was 5 and Carolyn was 3, Mom grew tired of us being underfoot while she was doing her housework and sat us down at the table. She gave us pencil and paper and said, "Now draw." And we did.

I discovered I loved to draw and kept at it. The next year in the first grade at Nauvoo (AL) Elementary, other children would gather around and watch me draw.

Mom couldn't draw a lick, as far as I know. But I owe the fact that I have been doing cartoons for over 40 years for Christian publications to her.

To give my beloved dad his due, let me point out that when I was 8 years old, he walked me to the next town of Sophia, WV, and helped me pick out a Bible. I was the only one of his six offspring to receive this kind of attention.

About the same time, Dad would suggest I take my pencil and paper and sketch him as he relaxed after supper in front of the radio. He would drift off to sleep and awaken after a bit, ask to see what I'd drawn, and make suggestions on how to improve it, then close his eyes again. He had some drawing talent I could tell, so maybe I inherited something from him. He did have the most beautiful handwriting I had ever seen, from his school years when they actually taught penmanship in elementary classes.

5. My mother was the humorist in the family.

It took my wife to make me see this. We all had thought of Dad as the source of the love for learning, the delight in hearing and telling stories, and the sense of humor. Our family loved to laugh.

One day Margaret pointed out to me that Dad never once told a joke, but Mom often did. In fact, in my teens, Mom had sold more than one joke to magazines. I recall the pride with which she saw her name underneath the story.

That was a stunner, that the sense of humor had her DNA instead of Dad's.

All my siblings love a good story and most can tell a story with the best. I'm the only one who does banquets and tells funny stories before audiences. (Rarely are mine "jokes" as such, but they tend to be funny occurences from my half-century in the ministry.)

We owe that to Mom.

We owe her so much, beginning with life itself.

Happy Mother's Day, Lois Jane Kilgore McKeever. Happy Mother's Day, beloved lady. You have quite a reward awaiting you just beyond that golden shore where the Father will be calling you any day now.

Well done, good and faithful servant.

"Many daughters have done excellently, but thou excellest them all.

Beauty is deceitful and popularity is vain. But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her own hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates. (Proverbs 31)

And lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the world. (Matthew 28:20)

The overriding, most awesome, absolutely most compelling reality of the life of a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ is His continuing presence with us throughout this life and on into the life-beyond-this-life.

How can we say this stronger?

The greatest factor in the believer's fearlessness is that "Jesus is with me." The reality that tips the scales for all time in favor of bold living and confident dying is the eternal presence of Jesus. Nothing else is so determinative.

I will never leave thee nor forsake thee. (Hebrews 13:5)

As a result of this promise from our Lord, found in both the Old and New Testaments, we "may boldly say, the Lord is my Helper and I will not be afraid" (Hebrews 13:6).

Bold living, confident proclaiming, sweet testimony, and assured dying. That is the plan. That is what Jesus Christ feels He has a right to expect of every disciple.

Throughout Scripture, the Lord had the same answer--almost like a broken record if you remember what that was--to every excuse from those whom He called into His service: I will be with you. This was His panacea, His answer for everything.

It's all through the Word....

2. When Israel rebelled and for a time it appeared the Lord was going to abandon them to their bad choices, Moses counseled them, "Do not go (back to Egypt), lest you be struck down before your enemies, for the Lord is not among you." He said, "For the (enemies) will be there in front of you, and you will fall by the sword...and the Lord will not be with you." (Numbers 14:42-43)

3. When Joshua replaced Moses, God told him, "Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you. I will not fail you or forsake you." (Joshua 1:5)

4. When God called Gideon to lead His people against the oppressive Midianites, He began with, "The Lord is with you, O valiant warrior." When Gideon protested, God said, "Surely I will be with you." (Judges 6:12,16)

5. When God called Jeremiah as a youth to stand before the high and mighty on His behalf, the youngster began a familiar litany in which he listed his disqualifications. God was ready for him. "They will fight against you, but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you." (Jeremiah 1:19)

Perhaps the best-known testimonial of the difference the Lord's presence makes is found in David's beloved song.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thou art with me. (Psalm 23:4)

Does this hold for New Testament believers? Most of these after all are found in the Old Testament.

First, we have our Lord's assurance (see the opening line of this article) from the Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20).

Second, we have this promise: "Where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in their midst" (Matthew 18:20).

And this: "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord" (II Corinthians 5:6-10).

And this one: "And so shall we ever be with the Lord" (I Thessalonians 4:17).

How many promises does it take to convince us?

How often does the Lord need to repeat that He will never leave our side and that we shall never ever be separated from Him to get it into our thick skulls and callous hearts?

What does it take for this to sink in so that we finally begin living as though we believe that He is indeed with us and we are with Him?

This is after all what the Apostle Paul had in mind when he spoke of "the mystery hid from the foundation of the world." Christ in you, the hope of glory, he called it. (Colossians 1:27)

And it must be what he was thinking when he said, We indeed had the answer of death in ourselves in order that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead.... (II Corinthians 1:9)

(I'm well aware that modern translations change "answer" to "sentence," but either way works.)

We have the answer to death.

In Jesus Christ, we have the cure, the remedy, the response, for death.

Old death. How we hate him. How we despise everything he does. He separates families, destroys hopes, scatters despair everywhere he goes, and scares humankind.

The Bible calls death an enemy (I Corinthians 15:26).

Jesus hated death so much He broke up every funeral procession He came to by raising the corpse to life again (Mark 5:41; Luke 7:14; John 11:43).

"Because I live, you too shall live," He promised.

It's all about Jesus.

It comes down to His integrity, to His promises, to His reality.

We who have settled these issues--we believe Him and we believe in Him--are under a divine mandate to show the world (and teach other believers) how then we should live....

--glowingly, victoriously in this life.

--confidently, assuredly in our proclamations.

--sweetly, knowingly in dealing with seekers

--solidly, with certainty in dealing with critics and opponents

--calmly, confidently in going out into eternity.

And can we settle once and for all (smiley face goes here) that when we breathe our last here on earth, we are not "going to meet the Lord." We met Him years ago, friend.

Those who are saved have known Him ever since. We have walked with Him and He with us through good times and tough. What we call death is nothing more than laying aside these earthly remains in order that we may be "clothed upon with our dwelling from Heaven" (II Corinthians 5:2).

I promise you something, and I hope you will remember where you first got it. (another smiley face) When you get to Heaven, you will look back at how near it was all this time, see how faithful the Lord's promises were to the reality, and how simple was the transition, and you will say, "That? I was afraid of that? I cannot believe I was afraid of that!"

Now, let's quit worrying about the future and start living boldly for today.

Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

Fearing death ranks first as the ultimate insult to the Lord Jesus Christ.

It is unbelief of the first order.

Death was the biggest gun in Satan's arsenal when the enemy's forces trotted it out on that Passover Eve on a hill outside Jerusalem's walls. This Jesus Person would be dispensed with once and for all.

For a few awful hours, it appeared the diabolical plan had succeeded.

Jesus was dead. Really dead.

Then, on that never-to-be-forgotten Lord's Day morning, the tomb was found to be empty and reports began popping up that Jesus was appearing to His followers. The disciples, who had been ready to give up and go home and deal with their dashed hopes and the Galilean's embarrassing claims, suddenly were energized and "shot from cannons" as they blanketed the world with the news: Jesus is alive!

If He was alive, everything else had changed for all time.

That was the point.

Opponents and critics, eager to find holes and loopholes and potholes in the Christian message, rush to inform us that one man's death and even His resurrection, if indeed there was one, changes little.

They miss the point.

The disciples of a long-discredited Indian guru once scoffed at my question, "What do you do with the resurrection of Jesus?" They looked down at me as though from their throne on high and said condescendingly, "Sir, we do not believe anything that happened 2,000 years ago has any possible meaning for us today."

They missed it too.

The death of Jesus was all about His payment for our sins; His resurrection was all about God's confirmation of what He had done, everything He had claimed, all He had taught, and the Lord He had personified.

If Jesus is alive, everything has changed for all time. This is why serious seekers and honest questioners will want to look into the resurrection, called one of the most dependable historical realities by countless historians and millions of disciples. As Paul told King Agrippa, "This (the death and resurrection of Jesus) was not done in a corner" (Acts 26:26).

Check it out. Seekers have nothing to lose and believers have nothing to fear.

They call fear "false evidence appearing real." Until something better comes along, that definition will serve us well.

For 2,000 years, believers have delighted in the characterization of death by the Apostle Paul. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law, but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (I Corinthians 15:55-57)

Paul scoffs at death. He taunts it. He rubs its nose in its defeat. He laughs, he brags, he overflows with joy.

When facing his own approaching death, Paul said, "In the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing" (II Timothy 4:8).

Sounds pretty confident, doesn't he?

Oh yeah.

Earlier--same epistle--he had dealt with the matter of fear: "For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of love, of power, and of a sound mind" (II Timothy 1:7).

Think of that triplet in this way:

--No fear of people, but a spirit of love.

--No fear of the unknown, but a spirit of a sound mind.

Why fear a defeated, cowering, bully of an enemy?

My mother is approaching her 96th birthday, although if she makes that milestone, she'll never know. Her mind and body are gradually shutting down after nearly a century of strong and active service for her God and her family. We count the days good when she recognizes us. And, though we will grieve and miss her something awful, we will count as a very good day when the Father takes her to Heaven.

Mom hardly noticed as the years piled up and she grew elderly. She and my dad, who lived into his 96th year also, would joke that they just never thought about getting old. Yet they did it with a flourish.

She will die soon. But fear will have no role in her homegoing.

Why fear leaving a body that is shutting down and inheriting a glorious one not subject to pain and grief? (I Corinthians 15:42-44)

Why fear leaving this humble earthly abode for "a kingdom prepared for (us) from the foundation of the world?" (Matthew 25:34)

Why fear departing from a life of decay to receive one which is "glorious beyond all comparison?" (II Corinthians 4:16-17)

Why fear dwelling "in the House of the Lord forever?" (Psalm 23:6)

Why fear the absence of tears and mourning and pain, an enchanted land where "the former things have passed away?" (Revelation 21:4)

Why fear "beholding (His) face in righteousness" and "being satisfied with (His) likeness when (we) awaken?" (Psalm 17:15)

I have a suggestion.

Let's decide not to fear death.

Let's make up our minds that when the fear of dying begins to creep up on us, we will laugh at it and call it the impostor it is, then rejoice in the Lord.

Let's decide to live boldly and to make no decisions from fear.

Let us laugh and dance and sing while we stake our claims for the reality of the risen Christ with everything that involves.

I think about my own dying. Just last night when my wife and I were discussing some decisions regarding expensive dental work which was one of the choices I was facing, she put it all into perspective. "Joe, you're 72 years old. Why spend all that money for something you're just going to leave in the ground?" (How's that for perspective! smiley-face goes here.)

Five minutes after they close my eyes here, I will be laughing up there."

I want her to believe that, but not because I said it. It's the proper attitude of all who believe in the Lord Jesus Christ.

No fear allowed. Just laughter.

I'm not suggesting it. I'm saying it.

Well, to be precise, what I'm saying is: One of the primary ways the Lord works in your (and my) life is through other people. And He has chosen not to alter that system even for the most spiritual, most mature, and most godly.

How's that? Clear enough.

The pastor (an all-encompassing term in my lexicon which refers to ministers, missionaries, shepherds, church staffers) who tries to go it alone in ministry is choosing to walk with a limp, to work with one hand behind him, to limit his effectiveness, and to let a large part of his personality atrophy.

On the other hand....

When a minister climbs out of his shell and reaches out to befriend two or three colleagues in the Lord's work, when he makes friends of others called into this service, at least 12 things happen, all of them good.

1. You will feel better about your ministry.

How often have I had to tell a struggling pastor--particularly a young one--that what he's going through is normal, that this pain has an expiration date, and that God is using these trials for good things in the future! In time, he sees all of this and gives thanks for the pain. (I wonder about those pastors who have no one to affirm or encourage them because they become so secretive about their work, so defensive about their ministries, and so locked-in with their inadequacies.)

2. You will not feel so alone about your church problems.

For five years, I worked with all 100+ Southern Baptist pastors in the metro New Orleans area, and I can tell you, the frustrations experienced by one were usually shared by many others. But so long as we isolate ourselves, we don't know that and fall into the Elijah trap of feeling, "I'm the only one left--and I'm not doing so good either!" What a relief to know you have some faithful friends who have been there/done that and who assure you that your situation is normal.

3. You will be more at peace within your own heart.

Anything that reinforces God's call upon us and that affirms the work we are doing for Him has to be good.

4. Your guilt over your performance not living up to God's standard of perfection will ease.

A pastor friend hears your tale of woe, then laughs, "Been there, done that!" You realize your frustration is normal and widespread and not a sign of failure in the Lord's work. Wow. A burden is lifted.

5. You will like yourself a little better.

When we feel better about our ministries and our calling, we feel better about ourselves. Anything that liberates us from the soul-deadening burden of guilt over not achieving a standard of perfection has to be a good thing!

6. You will like God more. He is making Himself known to you through others.

This is precisely what Paul says about the coming of Titus in II Corinthians 7:6. God, who comforts the depressed, comforted us by the coming of Titus.

7. You will have an outlet for your frustrations, someone(s) to whom you can vent and do so safely.

Preachers have frustrations, too. (Oh, do they ever!) The problem is there is rarely anyone to whom they can express them with the confidence they won't be shared. But when he shares these burdens with another minister who is either having the same miseries or has just come through them, he knows they will not be told.

8. You will be easier to live with and your wife will like you better.

When I feel badly about myself, I am a bear to live with. When I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and guilt drives me to work longer and longer hours, our marriage relationship suffers. But when things are going well in my heart and in my work, my joy is infectious and the people around me are glad.

9. You will become a strength to others.

The pastor who is always struggling to get on top of his work, who feels like a failure in his preaching, and shuts himself off from one of the main sources God provides to strengthen him, that pastor is not going to be able to give himself to the people around him who need his comfort and encouragement.

When I feel great in the Lord, I'm able to give to others. It's that simple.

10. Your sermons will become fresher, deeper, and connect better.

You have sat at your breakfast table with three preacher buddies. You've discussed your upcoming sermons and have given them your insights about what they will be preaching. As a result, you've had additional thoughts on scriptures and stories and insights. You've learned of a book or an article which will help.

Without knowing what's going on, your people will rejoice. Your sermons are stronger and more effective.

11. You become a great strength for the other ministers.

One of the lies Satan hands us is that all the other ministers are doing fine, that you alone are the failure. But when you sit across the table in an unhurried hour, having coffee and sharing laughs with two or three other pastors, you get an education in a hurry. You find you were not alone, that they are going through the very same struggles as you. What a relief. Here's what happens....

As you leave and get on with your day, a warmth fills your spirit. You are smiling inside. You can't wait to get into the study with your open Bible and work on Sunday's sermon with the new insights you've gained. And the other ministers are feeling the same way. That's the blessing. You are each a strength and encouragement for the other.

12. The Lord in Heaven smiles. He has just won a great victory over the enemy who had been trying to keep you isolated, lonely, and guilt-ridden.

Good for you, friend. That joy you feel in your soul is just the overflow of the joy in Heaven being experienced by The One who loves you best, longest, and deepest.

Oscar Williams pastors a Southern Baptist Church in the Franklin Avenue section of New Orleans. After Hurricane Katrina came through our part of the world and did so much devastation, Oscar joined us and found so many new friends. Once in sharing a testimony of coming into our ministers' group, he began by saying, "Before, when I was alone...."

I wrote that down. Wow. He recognized that when he had no friends in the ministry, when he cut himself off from others, he was alone. He was saved, called, and obedient. But he was lonely.

At the same time, Forel Bering, another of our pastors, dropped a line into his own testimony. He said,"It gets lonely out there."

It does.

Pastors know it. The pastor of the mega-church gets lonely. What I wish he knew--and so few seem to--is that the fellowship for which he longs can be filled wonderfully by sitting down with almost any group of Christ-honoring preachers on the planet. He is fooling only himself by thinking he can only fellowship with megapastors now that he's on this higher plane. What a joke.

Some of the brightest pastors, smartest people period, in the Lord's work are bi-vocational. Some of the best Bible teachers anywhere do not have seminary degrees. And some of the most effect pastors and greatest souls in the ministry serve churches running less than one hundred.

They're out there, lonely pastor. Go find them.

Pastors are notorious for their lone ranger approach to ministry. It's what I call the number one failure of 90 percent of pastors. They prefer to go it alone.

Even Jesus needed a buddy. "He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, 'So, you men could not keep watch with me for one hour?'" (Matthew 26:40)

Sometimes it helps to have someone nearby, praying, loving, caring, even hurting with you.

The word paracletos from John 16:7 is translated "Comforter" and "Helper" in most Bible versions. The literal meaning is "one called alongside," the usual idea being that the Holy Spirit is our Comforting Companion, a true Friend in need. And each time that word is found in the New Testament--John 14:16,20; 15:26; 16:7; and I John 2:1--it always refers to the Lord.

However, here's something important.

Don't miss that.

Here's the Apostle Paul....

We were afflicted on every side, conflicts without, fears within. But God, who comforts the humble, comforted us by the coming of Titus. And, not only by his coming, but also by the comfort with which he was comforted in you, as he reported to us your longing, your mourning, your zeal for me; so that I rejoiced even more (II Corinthians 7:5-7).

The great apostle was hurting. He needed something which God provided by a friend, Titus. When this messenger reported to Paul how faithfully the Corinthians were serving God, when he told how they cared for Paul and grieved over him, that pumped him up.

Titus himself was elated by the work of the Corinthians, Paul says.

God made us to need the companionship of fellow disciples.

If you read the Scriptures and miss that, you have missed a great element in the Word.

"It is not good that man should be alone" was spoken of more than marriage. That is a fact of human existence.

God made us gregarious. We are social creatures. We do not do well in isolation. We are all about social networking, to use a term on everyone's tongues today.

When we humble ourselves before God, repent of our sin, and receive Jesus Christ--that is, when we are born again--we begin the process of moving back to God's original plan for us: to rejoin the family of man, so to speak.

The night God saved me as an 11-year-old, I found myself loving the brothers and sisters of all ages in our country church. That was a new experience for me, one which no one had mentioned to me and for which I was totally unprepared. It was a wonderful surprise.

New believers need the fellowship of other believers. There is not a preacher in the world who doubts that or preaches otherwise. We teach that, we expect new disciples to join themselves with other believers for worship and growth, and we warn them that to fail to do so endangers their growth and effectiveness in the Kingdom.

This is true on another level for God's servants called preachers. God has made us so that we who are called to proclaim His word need the fellowship, comfort, and encouragement of others similarly called. We need the accountability, the exhortation, and occasionally the rebuke of our peers.

We need friends in the ministry.

One of the first effects of sin is to isolate us.

The roaring lion in search of supper does not take on the entire herd, but looks for stragglers--an isolated member that is sickly or elderly, too young to keep up or too headstrong to stay up. Bingo, he's got his next meal.

Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (I Peter 5:8).

He's looking for the loner.

If I was to discover as an 11-year-old that a new relationship with Christ filled me with love for His people, in time I found the other side of the coin: when I drifted away from Him, my need for and appreciation for the Lord's people waned also.

As the saying goes, I did not come down in the last rain. I've been in the ministry for a full half-century. I don't know a lot of things, but I know some things very well, and this is one of them: The sinful heart resists fellowship.

Over these years, pastoring six churches and serving on staff of one and a half (that's a long story), in each city I joined the fellowship of ministers. In Greenville, MS, Columbus, MS, Charlotte, NC, and New Orleans, LA, there were interdenominational fellowships as well as a conferences of Baptist ministers meeting regularly.

What I found never ceased to surprise me.

The ministers who needed the fellowship most never came.

Usually, these ministers fell into two groups: pastors of the largest churches (who gave the impression that did not require fellowship with the hoi polloi) and pastors of the smallest churches (who appeared to look with suspicion on the other ministers with their seminary degrees and larger congregations).

When I pastored the small churches, you could find me in these meetings. I thrived on the fellowship. And later, when my church was either the largest in town or one of the largest, I was there. At no time did I feel I was "beyond needing" this hanging out time with these ministers.

Unless my heart was cold toward the Lord. At those times--and yes, there were one or two such sad times--I resisted companionship with other ministers.

Sin isolates. Just as it keeps backsliding Christians home on Sundays, it locks pastors inside their homes or studies lest they should get with a brother in Christ and be healed.

Preachers need to hang out with one another.

The best thing groups of pastors do with each other is not to sit in rows and listen to someone preach. That's the last thing they need as a rule.

What they need is to fill their coffee cups, pull their chairs into a circle, and have someone say, "Okay, what shall we talk about today?" and then wait.

Just wait.

In a minute, after an aborted attempt or two to get something going, someone will open his heart and take out a burden he's been carrying and trying to handle by himself.

Okay, pastors. This is a holy moment now. He's trusting you guys. Pay attention. Don't fumble this.

His deacons have asked for his resignation. His wife has served him with divorce papers. His doctor has said it looks like cancer. His teenage son has been arrested.

Or maybe it's one stage lighter than that.

His church has cut his salary and he's going bi-vocational and wondering how he can find a job and what he can do, and whether this means he has failed.

He looks at you pastors and envies you your success and grieves that his churches have never prospered the way yours have. He has no idea that you look at other pastors and their larger churches in the same way he looks at you.

You need him and he needs you.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17)

Pastor, do not wait for some denominational leader to organize a retreat or a regular meeting of pastors. You have a telephone? Call two or three preachers and ask them to meet you for coffee. Go outside your denomination and you will meet some of God's choice servants.

After a couple of meetings, invite them to your church where you can meet quietly and pray privately. Put on the coffee pot.

See if your wife wants to cook breakfast for the group sometime, or--if you have skills in that direction (I emphatically do not)--cook it yourself.

Once you settle down into these informal gatherings, here are a few questions, any one of which can fill up an hour...

"What did you preach last Sunday?"

"What are you preaching next Sunday?"

"What good book have you read lately?"

"Do you use electronic books? Tell the rest of us how it works."

"Do you take an off day?"

"What's the best thing you've discovered in your ministry?"

"What's the funniest thing that ever happened to you in a funeral?"

I sure wish I could be there and join in.

Several pastors whose stuff I read, however, seemed worried that this might be the last such day. They fear President Obama might not authorize such an official observance in the future. They worry about that.

And that stuns me into silence. Well, almost. But not quite.

It ranks alongside the uppance of my dander when I read that Nashville's Vanderbilt University is requiring campus religious organizations to allow anyone of any beliefs or no beliefs to hold leadership positions. (Note: all I know on this issue is what I read in www.bpnews.net. This is the Baptist Press's website.)

What in the world is going on here, I wonder. Have we (they) lost our sanity?

Do you need the okay of the national leader before you get together with other congregations in your community to pray? How did you arrive at that?

I have several comments about that.

Do our prayers mean more when they arrive in Heaven if the President okayed them?

Are citizens more likely to attend community prayer gatherings if our national leader announces them?

Wouldn't you rather have a hundred people show up voluntarily to pray in a parking lot than a thousand on the courthouse steps just because it's an official calendar event?

Imagine if the President actually were to remain silent on the subject--no Day of Prayer is recognized or called for--and, even so, multiplied thousands of congregations across America continued the practice on their own.

Wouldn't that be infinitely better?

Personally, I'm skeptical of presidential religion no matter who practices it. When Richard Nixon occupied the Oval Office, instead of going to church on Sundays, he began inviting preachers to hold worship services in the East Room. Did they come? You'd better believe they came. They were so honored to be the presidential preacher on those Sundays, they couldn't wait to add this to their resumes. Their congregations back home practically swooned at the recognition.

It's enough to make one gag.

If what we''ve heard about Nixon is true, the man was literally gloating at the way he was manipulating these preachers and conning their churches.

It brings to mind the Old Testament practices (see the Book of Judges) when families would have their own priests, their lapdogs, it would not be far-fetched to say.

The more we liberate our Christian faith from requiring anyone's official endorsement, the better off we will be. I don't want foreigners thinking that America and the Christian faith are one and the same. I love this country, but I love my faith in Christ far more.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is infinitely larger than any government, no matter how noble its founders or how sacred its history.

As for Vanderbilt, this university has sent a strong message to the Christian churches having connections to their campus: We don't need you.

I would love to see parents of prospective students deciding that, "Well, then, we won't be sending our kids there."

I would love to see well-heeled donors sending Vanderbilt a message that, "You apparently are not the faith-based institution we thought you were; we'll be giving our money elsewhere."

That alone would speak their language.

Those are the only two voices Vanderbilt--and hundreds of other increasingly secular institutions of higher learning--hear today: contributions and student enrollment. (Such educators scoff at the politicians, make jokes about community leaders, and ignore protests of parents and students.)

It's not like students have no other choices on where to attend college.

It's not like wealthy donors have no other institutions needing their generosity.

The weakest voices on the Vanderbilt campus are the religious organizations. Some of them are protesting, are asking the administration to relent, and in so doing, appear as beggars underneath the tables of the rich. They get no respect.

The administration will have to see student enrollment declining and gifts decreasing before it wakes up. The trustees then will call an emergency meeting and deal with this issue.

Is that going to happen?

Don't hold your breath.

This is the manner of a fallen world: The culture is increasingly encroaching on territory once held securely by the Church. It's happening in marriage, in lower education as well as higher, and in a thousand other areas.

So, let the churches meet every first Thursday of May for their day of prayer. Let them call their communities to gather in public squares or private lots and lift their united voices to the Lord of Heaven and Earth to have mercy. And let them do so whether or not any leader--from the President down to the lowliest alderman--gives a rip or a nod of approval.

Let God's people on campuses practice their faith as both Christians and Americans. They are free and beholden to no academic administration. The only hold a Vanderbilt has on their organizations is the official status it can confer along with a few privileges. It might do the Christians well not to have it or need it.

It's possible for the Lord's people to depend on governments, on political leaders, and on higher-ups in institutions too heavily for our own good.

Depend on it too strongly and we collapse when it's withdrawn.

Better to ignore the endorsements of the officials and take little notice when same is withdrawn.

The Church has never needed Caesar's approval and historically, began to grow steadily weaker the moment it received it.

(Postscript: I notice in a followup Baptist Press article that the Baptist Campus Ministry on the Vanderbilt campus has decided to opt out on receiving the imprimatur of the university. Good for you, BCM. The article says the Tennessee Baptist Convention owns the BCM building located in the center of the Vanderbilt campus. Hmmm.)

When a church of 120 members set out to assimilate 3,000 new additions into the life of the congregation, they ranked "fellowship" toward the top of the list as a critical step in accomplishing the task.

Koinonia is the Greek word. Literally, it refers to a sharing of life, or a partnership, which doesn't tell us a lot about what it meant in the followup program in the early church. So, in the absence of anything definitive from Scripture on the precise meaning of the term, I submit for your consideration my own definition: Hanging out.

The "fellowship" quotient of a church--whether the members love the Lord and one another--is one of the most telling features of a congregation, one of the most dependable indicators of the health of the church, and one of the best predictors of its future usefulness in the Kingdom.

Here are 10 aspects of the fellowship of your church worth carving in stone, or better, engraving on the hearts of your leadership and membership.

Simply stated, it is the life of this church family. Do the people enjoy one another?

In a church where I was visiting recently, some 15 minutes after the benediction, I said to the pastor, "Listen to that." The noise level in the sanctuary was high, as people were standing around talking and laughing and carrying on. I told the pastor, "What you are hearing is the sound of fellowship."

As a doctor places his stethoscope up to the chest and listens to a patient's heartbeat, the pulse of a congregation is that sound after church is over. Listen closely, friend. It will tell you a world about your church.

2. Fellowship may not be why people are drawn to your church, but it's why they stay.

Most people who are church-hunting can give a dozen things they are looking for in their next place of worship. Usually, that involves location, type of preaching, strength of ministry, and various types of ministry ("We want a strong children's ministry" or music or missions or youth or senior adults). But more than anything else, what they want is fellowship.

I've had newcomers tell me they were looking for a house of worship with features which my church did not offer. My heart saddened a little because I knew they would be going elsewhere. And yet, in many cases, they joined our church. When I asked, they spoke in terms of friendliness, our making them feel welcome, and the spirit of the church. Rarely if ever did they use the actual word "fellowship," but that's what it was all about.

My strong suspicion is that 95 percent of first-time visitors to your church are looking for fellowship, whether they know it or not.

3. Fellowship is composed of three layers, each one vital.

a) At the heart of everything is a commitment to Jesus Christ as Lord. This is personal (each must do it), private (it takes place in the hidden depths of the heart), and ongoing (yesterday's commitment needs to be reaffirmed today and again tomorrow).

b) The believer committed to Christ finds himself automatically loving fellow disciples. In fact, Jesus said this is the very mark of a believer (John 13:34-35).

c) We welcome newcomers into our midst. This is hospitality, of which Scripture has much to say (see Hebrews 13:1-2 and III John 5ff.).

4. The newcomer sees these in reverse order: Hospitality first, then Joy, and lastly Commitment.

a) Did you welcome the newcomer? Were they made to feel wanted? This is the first thing the outsider will notice, for good reason.

The stranger who dwells among you shall be to you as one born among you, and you shall love him as yourself; for you were strangers in Egypt. I am the Lord your God (Leviticus 19:34). Hospitality has been in God's plan from the beginning.

b) The second thing a visitor will notice is the members' relationship to each other.

Do the members enjoy one another? When church dismisses, do they hang around greeting and talking and laughing? Do any of them go to lunch together afterwards? Do they do work projects and are their classes enjoyable?

c) Do you see a quiet, sollid faith in the Lord Jesus Christ?

This will normally be the last thing you see in a church you visit. But without it, nothing else matters. In Romans 12, Paul's blueprint for a healthy church, believers are called to "present your bodies a living sacrifice," afterwards to use their spiritual gifts and then to take care of one another. First things, first.

5. Outsiders usually have no idea they are craving fellowship, but they do.

God made us for Himself, 'tis true. But He also made us for fellowship with one another. When God's creation lives in isolation, life becomes warped and turns inward and people become far less than He intended. We crave love.

People who feel something missing in their lives--call it love, a purpose, friendships, whatever--often find that missing element when they walk into a church where the fellowship is alive and well. Only after they find it do they realize this is what they were hungering for and even seeking.

6. A wise church will make fellowship one of their primary goals and will work for it, in both planned and unplanned ways.

Planned fellowshp takes place in Sunday School classes, at church dinners, receptions, and on work projects. It's important to note that only secondarily does fellowship take place within the typical worship service. So, the people who come only to worship and leave immediately after are missing out on a basic element of church life.

Informal fellowship occurs prior to scheduled meeting times, as well as immediately afterwards. Informal koinonia is what happens when several believers play golf or go out for pizzas or drive to the next town for dinner. Where two or more believers congregate, fellowship should take place.

We who are church leaders often speak disparagingly of "meet-and-eat" events, but there's a lot to be said for them. In fact, I suggest that pastors schedule the occasional church dinner where no program is planned, just to see what happens among the fellowship. (It should be announced that no program will follow, that the main event is what happens around the tables. Otherwise, our people--as conditioned to expecting a program as Pavlov's dogs were to the sound of the bell--will not know how to behave.)

7. The greatest enemy of fellowship in the church is the sinful heart.

All have sinned and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). If I could add anything in Scripture, it would probably be: "and given half a chance, they'll do so again."

The heart is a rebel. That is true even of those of us redeemed by Christ, cleansed by His blood, and born into His eternal family. The human heart grows cold quickly, turns inward naturally, becomes selfish easily, and is responsible for most of the problems in the world.

A great church with a living, loving fellowship must protect that "family life" from all that would destroy it. In our selfishness, we tire of togetherness and experience giving fatigue and begin wanting to spend God's resources on ourselves. We find our hearts resisting the newcomers, particularly if they're different from us in any way.

There is a strain of individualism in the Christian faith that leads some to think the only thing that matters is "just Jesus and me," that church life and worship are secondary and relatively unimportant. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is surely the reason our Lord did not let His questioner walk away thinking the only commandment that mattered was to "love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and soul and mind." He called after the man, "And the second is a lot like it. Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself," a quotation from Leviticus 19.

8. A dying church will begin dying here first.

It's hard to spot the exact moment when a dead church began that sad descent into oblivion. But, if you were able to rewind the tape (an expression rapidly on its way out!), you would frequently see that when leaders began to bicker among themselves and it spread to the congregation (that's always the order), at that moment the process had its inception. Unless a strong leader called the attention of others to what was happening and called them to repentance and recommitment, the virus took hold and began its deadly work.

A smart leadership will always value the church's unity (see Ephesians 4:3,11-16) and will know that a key ingredient to achieving that harmony is mutual submission (and that's Ephesians 5:21).

9. Leadership must value fellowship highly and protect it, otherwise it will be supplanted by lesser things.

We've been saying this repeatedly above, so I'll not belabor it here. Except to point out that those "lesser things" which will crowd out the fellowship will all be good things--festivals and pageants and concerts and revivals. When we get caught up in the busyness of church life to the point that we no longer have time to meet another couple for coffee or invite another family over for pizza, we've become too busy for our own good.

10. God loves it when His children laugh.

It is not good for man to be alone, He said (Genesis 2:18). I suggest He had more in mind than marriage. We need one another.

Recently, when my wife and I celebrated our golden anniversary, we gathered our children and their families for a long weekend. Several times over those four days, as everyone milled around in the back yard or on the patio, I was struck by the delightful noise of the laughter and fun. The love was so thick you could cut it with a knife. As the father of this terrific family, that was better to me than any present on earth.

Throughout the New Testament, our Lord and the apostles emphasized the one-anotherness of our discipleship. We are to love one another, encourage one another, edify one another, teach and instruct and rebuke and correct and affirm one another. In their book One Anothering, Al Meredith and Dan Crawford identified 31 different commands of this nature throughout the New Testament and gave us a chapter on each.

When the Lord saves us, He puts us into a church fellowship. When we love Him, we treasure His people and enjoy being with them. When we grow resistant to the Lord, we find ourselves resenting other believers, growing critical of them, and drifting away.

An elderly sister in the pew behind him said softly, "Sit down, Henry. If you got what was coming to you, you'd be in hell."

Henry was demanding justice; Henry needed mercy.

This week driving down Interstate 55 below Jackson, Mississippi, I kept noticing bits and pieces of pink insulation batting everywhere.

After a few miles, we came upon two 18-wheelers pulling halves of a large mobile home. One of the units was shedding, littering the highway. Bits and pieces of the trailer were flying from the open top and being strewn across the countryside.

I dialed "*HP" for the Mississippi Highway Patrol and reported the offender. The dispatcher assured me they would jump right on the matter.

They never showed up.

I was wanting justice. I wanted the cops to pull these drivers over, read them the riot act for the careless way they had secured the mobile home and for littering the countryside, and if they didn't issue tickets, at least force them to tie everything down.

I suspect this is a the way it is with most of us. I want justice to be done when it involves other people. But for myself, mercy is a better choice.

I saw a small example of justice being served.

On US 278, which connects Cullman and Gadsden, Alabama, cars were backed up for miles as highway workers, power company trucks, and EMS teams worked ahead of us, cleaning up the effects of last night's tornadoes. Traffic would pull forward a few miles, then come to a halt for a full hour.

It took me four hours to get to Gadsden and hit the interstate north; that's how slow-moving the traffic was. (In Chattanooga, I arrived just as the tornadoes hit, but that's another story.)

At one point, when all traffic on the two-lane highway had been halted for a half-hour, motorists were outside, standing around talking. Suddenly, from behind--down the road where we had come from--came an 18-wheeler, passing all the stalled traffic. We looked on incredulously.

"Where does that guy think he's going?" we wondered. This was a two-lane highway and the shoulders alongside were practically non-existent. Even if he passed us all, there was no place for him to pull into the right lane.

Suddenly, the huge truck began pulling over toward the line of cars. But there was no room. What was he doing?

Then we saw what he had seen.

Coming toward him, from the front of the line, was an Alabama Highway Patrol.

The motorists began to laugh. That trucker was caught with no place to hide.

The trooper stopped, gave the trucker a tongue-lashing he will never forget, then walked over to where we were standing. Someone asked, "Did you give him a ticket?"

The officer said, "I did better than that. I made him go to the end of the line."

Sure enough, the 18-wheeler began slowly backing up the narrow highway.

The end had to be miles behind. The trucker would need all the skills he had ever learned to maneuver that massive transport backward, down that narrow country highway, in what had to be the longest, toughest drive of his life.

It was a beautiful thing.

How often have we thought we'd love to see a cop at this moment in time. But they're never there. That day, there was.

Justice is wonderful to behold...when it happens to the other guy. But personally, I prefer mercy.

Here's another one, this one shorter.

A few days ago as our family had gathered in New Orleans for Margaret's and my 50th wedding anniversary, our son Marty was driving my wife's car and had a fender bender. The intersection where it occurred is busy and complex, one I try to avoid whenever possible.

Marty says, "I honestly did not know whose fault it was. The damage was not serious, and no one was hurt. In fact, our car had more damage than hers."

He told the lady in the other car, "Ma'am, let me give you a hundred dollars and let's just drive away."

Oh no. She would not do that. It was all his fault and she was dialing 911 and getting the police out here.

The lady was defiant, adamant, insistent.

She dialed 911, the cops came, talked to both drivers, and then wrote her a ticket for an illegal turn.

How sweet that was.

We do love justice...when it happens to other people. But personally, I'll take mercy any day of the week.

Let's talk about mercy.

1. Here's a well-known prayer for mercy.

"Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Thy lovingkindness. According to the multitude of Thy tender mercies, blot out my transgressions." (Psalm 51:1)

David was miserable after the crescendoing effect of his sin with Bathsheba became public knowledge. His little act of seduction led to betrayal, lying, and the death of a good man. When David prayed for forgiveness, justice was the last thing he wanted. Had he gotten what he deserved, the Almighty would have snuffed out his candle in the blink of an eye.

He wanted mercy.

Being a wealthy man, David was willing to make big offerings and huge sacrifices for his sin. But that was not what God wanted. David prayed,"Thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it. Thou delightest not in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit. A broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise."

2. Don't pray for justice; ask for mercy.

The Lord Jesus even encourages us to ask for mercy, not justice.

Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a publican (tax-collector; they were known sinners). The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, "God, I thank thee that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all I possess."

I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself shall be abased, and the one who humbles himself shall be exalted.(Luke 18:10-14)

Nothing is more humbling than asking for mercy. If you can humble yourself, you've just qualified.

3. The blessings of Heaven are all about His mercy, my friend.

The Apostle Paul told Titus that salvation was the result of God's mercy. "Not by works of righteousness that we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us...." (Titus 3:5)

Once when Jesus was dining in the home of a Pharisee, a woman known as a notorious sinner slipped into the room and began to worship at the Lord's feet. (The only way to envision this is to remember that dining parties reclined toward the center, with their feet extended away. She's out of the action, she thinks.)

While the host sniffs at the intrusion and the sheer gall of this woman entering his home, our Lord gave him a good education in how the Kingdom of God operates.

"Simon, do you see this woman? I entered your house and you gave me no water for my feet. But she has washed my feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head. You gave me no kiss, but this woman has not stopped kissing my feet since I came in. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with fragrant oil. Therefore, I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven,for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little" (Luke 7:44-47).

It's all of grace and mercy. A broken heart, a humble and childlike spirit.

4. The clue to having received mercy is gratitude and love.

Show me a person without love or a thankful spirit and I'll show you one still in sin.

But the one who has been forgiven--who knows what an undeserving lout he was, how she deserved severe judgement--is the one consumed by gratitude and love.

Lawrence Bryant had lived a rugged life of sin, even though outwardly he was wealthy and successful. Only after Christ saved him at the age of 43 and opened his eyes to all he had been doing and all he had missed did his life change forever. Ten years later when I became his pastor, I was struck by something unusual about the man.

Whenever we prayed together, which was frequently, Mr. Bryant would begin his conversation with the Father something like this: "Thank you, Lord..... O, thank you, Jesus." He would grow weepy, and silent for a moment. Then, "Thank you, Lord, for saving me. For forgiving me for a lifetime of sin and rebellion and neglect. Oh, thank you, Jesus."

I was saved at the age of 11. I had never been into the life of sin as Bryant and so many others knew. So, it took me a while longer in living the Christian life to know the depravity of my own heart, to see the record of my own sins, and to learn what I had done, before I came to appreciate all Christ had done for me.

I am overwhelmed by the mercy of God.

David once said, "He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. But as the heavens are higher than the earth, so great is His lovingkindness (His grace and mercy) toward us" (Psalm 103:10-11).

Indeed.

Clyde A. Walker wrote a gospel song nearly a hundred years ago which I first heard the Chuck Wagon Gang sing in the 1940s, and was struck by the message. "Justice Called, And Mercy Answered" was its title and its message.

One Sunday night when I was pastoring the First Baptist Church of Kenner, Louisiana, I referenced that truth and that song. Tim Walker, assistant minister of music in our church while getting his seminary, told me after the service, "Clyde A. Walker was my grandfather." That week, he brought me a copy of the sheet music.

What are the chances?

Wouldn't I love to know the story behind that song? Tim's grandfather is long in Heaven now, and we cannot ask him. but I can guarantee you one thing: He knew about mercy. No one thinks of such a truth in a vacuum. Only by experiencing the great and gracious loving forgiveness of God when he deserves it least, only then does he come to appreciate the mercy of the Lord.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God to present your bodies a living sacrifice.... (Romans 12:1).

1. I wish churches put as much emphasis on friendly greeters at the front door as great restaurants do.

Often they are teenagers, or perhaps college students. The kids are fresh-faced, sweet-spirited, well-dressed, and friendly. The graciousness appears genuine.

Have you ever walked up to an unfamiliar church and saw no one at the doors, no greeters or welcoming team anywhere on the premises? It happens to me frequently.

Are restaurants more interested in welcoming paying customers than churches are interested in showing hospitality to people coming to worship the living Christ?

Even so, sometime in the service the preacher or a staff member will give a verbal welcome. They will tell how much this church loves visitors and guests. But it doesn't wash. It rings hollow.

Take the business of having a handshaking, fellowshiping time in the middle of the worship service. If the members do not care enough to greet newcomers before and/or after the service, any attempt to do so within the service itself doesn't work. To a visitor, the only friendliness that counts is the spontaneous outpouring prior to and after the worship.

The most successful restaurants choose greeters carefully and train them. Managers monitor them occasionally and correct the greeters who are not getting it right. Furthermore, these young people are surrounded by a staff of their peers who will help them.

Churches can learn from this. A church interested in effectively welcoming newcomers will have continual greeter training going on.

Many pastors make the mistake of assuming if their sermon is a winner, worshipers can put up with just about anything else.

Not even close.

These days, in middle-sized to large towns, worshipers have their choice of several fine churches with excellent preaching. All things being equal, they will gravitate toward the church that does the best job of showing newcomers they are welcome, helping them find rooms and events, and making their initial experience a good one.

My wife and I ate lunch at a well-known restaurant in our neighborhood last week. I pointed out to her that when the restaurant changed ownership not long ago, they began trying to upgrade the facility. She said, "Good thing."

In places, the paint was peeling, the floors needed attention, and the weeds were growing in corners of the yard. The service was slow, although the food was outstanding.

We had been wondering if this was the restaurant to book for Easter Sunday. I was willing, but Margaret wanted to treat our guests a little better than this, so we went elsewhere.

The most successful restaurants do not rely solely on their menu to bring customers back. They are always painting and cleaning. Likewise, the eateries that neglect their appearance will soon find themselves without customers.

3. The main thing is the food. It is a restaurant, after all. And restaurants--like churches--must never forget why they are in business. For churches, the main thing is the message preached.

A store in Dothan, Alabama, sported a large sign in its window: "Going out of business because we forgot what we were in business for." (Wouldn't you love to know the story behind that? I would.)

When I'm hungry and looking for a restaurant, even though the appearance and cleanliness of the facility and the friendliness of the staff and efficiency of the waiters are important, what matters most is the food. If I'm in the mood for a steak, my mind quickly flits through the steakhouses in our area and sorts them out. Which is our favorite? Which offers the best dining experience? Which will not bust my wallet?

The preacher of this church is a great guy but he doesn't study. His sermons are shallow and dull. So, I'll pass, thank you.

The pastor of the next church knows his Hebrew and Greek and will let you know it in a heartbeat. He loves to study, his sermons are deep, and I always learn something. But there seems to be something lacking--something like practical application. The pastor lacks an appreciation for what working people deal with during the week.

What else ya got?

The third pastor is evangelistic. I like that. But I wish he was equally into discipling the believers. If you want a friend to hear the gospel and have the opportunity to be saved, bring him here one Sunday. But then, take him somewhere else to learn what living the Christian life is all about.

The fourth pastor works hard at finding the balance. That's my guy. That's my pastor of choice.

4. Speaking of choice...people have choices these days, in where they will eat as well as where they will worship.

I hate this about what the Christian faith has become in this country, but it's there nonetheless.

In the Alabama town we visited last week, the mega-First Baptist Church sits across the street from the huge First United Methodist Church. And in between, almost crowded out, sits the tiny Church of Christ.

Many medium-sized towns across the Southland will have a downtown intersection where four Christian churches of different denominations occupy all four corners.

It's truly weird.

I wonder what the Lord thinks about it. But there it is.

Whatever else we make of it, good or bad, people today have choices where they will worship, just as they do where they will dine.

I live in the Deep South. Can you tell? There are still communities in this country where the choices are extremely limited. But not in the South. Someone once said Texas is a star-shaped state covered by a thin layer of Baptists. Or, maybe you heard it this way: In (fill in the blank with your favorite southern state), there are more church members than people.

5. However, let's not overdo this parallelism. A restaurant lives by the bottom line. A church does not and should not ever.

The church member who divides the number of people reached for the Lord into the total budget to see if they are getting their money worth is missing the point. It does not work that way.

The church member who divides the number of people saved into the total expenditure for last week's revival to determine whether the investment was worthwhile is missing something major.

No church should be making a profit or declaring dividends.

The Lord's churches will always be straining at the limit of their resources. They will be finding new opportunities, gaining new vision, and opening new enterprises all the time.

When John Bisagno went to the First Baptist Church of Houston, Texas, as pastor nearly 50 years ago--that seems so strange now, since I recall when it happened--the church was stagnated in growth and forgotten by the city. Looking over the finances, Brother John saw a bank account holding $60,000, a goodly sum in those days.

"What's this for?" he asked.

The financial manager said, "That's for a rainy day."

The pastor said, "For a rainy day? My lord, it's been flooding for years!!"

That money was spent quickly as their new pastor called the church into action.

The only one who should be making a profit from a church sits on the Throne in Heaven. We who labor on His staff, so to speak, should keep His resources working for Him and not bury them in the ground like a disobedient servant Jesus spoke about. After all, our Lord's resources are as infinite as He is. He is not pleased when we hoard them, pile them up in savings accounts for some possible disaster in the future, and act as if He has left us to our own devices.

Unlike restaurants, at church the Master Chef is always on the premises, ever watching over the operation, overseeing every detail, concerned about each person who enters and the personnel who serve them.

The rest of us are like teenagers at the front door, simply doing His bidding.

"You really made some of my people angry."

"Really?" I said. "I can't imagine. What was that all about?"

He laughed, "They were convinced I had told you private things about our church. You addressed those situations so perfectly, they knew that was no accident. Their only explanation was that I had told you."

I said, "You didn't tell me anything."

He said, "I know. I didn't tell you on purpose, so that whatever God laid on your heart to share would not be tainted by my viewpoint."

It's not the first time that happened, I told J. B.

That particular sermon, more than any other I preach, has been known to send a few church leaders out of the services angry at me for sticking my nose into their business.

Here is the gist of it.

The elderly lady sat on her living room couch and told me, her pastor, of one great failure in her life.

"I know I'm saved, pastor," she said. "I remember giving my heart to Jesus and know that I love Him. But pastor...."

"Pastor, I haven't done right by the church."

She told how as a young adult she got away from church.She raised her one child without the benefit of the church and came to regret it.

"And now," she said, "I'm old and sickly and can't even go to church. But if you would allow me, I'd like to put my membership in to your church and send an offering from my little monthly check."

I assured her we would be happy to receive her as a member, and took care of that matter the next Sunday. A couple of years later, at her funeral, I told that story. Then, I looked at her family and friends gathered in the funeral chapel and asked, "Have you done right by the church?"

What it means to 'do right by the church.'

Jesus said, "I will build my church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it" (Matthew 16:18).

Here are 5 great truths about the Christian church which all of the Lord's people must come to terms with.

1) It is the Lord's Church and He wants it back.

Acts 20:28 says God purchased the church with His own blood. Ephesians 5:25 says "Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her."

Pastor, thank you for your leadership and the sacrifices you make to guide the church. But you need to know, it's not your church. Jesus died for the church; you didn't. He wants it back.

And even though Southern Baptist polity says the congregation is autonomous and can do with the church whatever it pleases, church members, this is not your church. Jesus died for it; you didn't. He wants it back.

2) The only question that matters is what does the Lord want us to do?

The first prayer prayed by Saul of Tarsus after meeting Jesus was the best one he ever prayed and the one you and I should offer every day of our lives: "Lord, what will you have me to do?" (Acts 22:10)

Since this is His church, what you want and what I want is irrelevant. The single issue is what does He want.

You and I may disagree about the color of the carpet, the choice of a minister, or the size of the budget. What either of us wants does not matter. The only question is what does He want.

It's His church, and He may do with it as He pleases.

The next time someone calls on you to pray in a worship service or a committee meeting or a deacons session, I suggest you stand and speak one sentence, "Lord, what do you want us to do? Amen."

And then look to Him for the answer.

3) We should do nothing until we know His will.

We should fill no office in church, staff no committee or board, adopt no budget, or hire no staffer, until we know the Lord's will in the matter.

This means two large things:

a) We must become people of prayer.

This is such a no-brainer I'm almost embarrassed to say it. But what is truly embarrassing is the lip service God's people render to prayer, and the vast number of decisions we make with hardly a nod in His direction.

We must devote ourselves to seeking His will in all we do. After all, the Lord Himself said, "Without me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). Likewise, the great apostle said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).

b) We must learn to wait upon Him.

That means we leave "holy vacancies" until God raises up His choice (his church member, His minister, whatever) to fill that slot. Until the Lord calls someone to teach the 9th grade boys' class, we do not fill that position. We may use substitutes, send in one of the ministers, or combine the class with another. But all the while, we make it clear: we are waiting on God to call up a teacher for this ministry.

Most of the troubles the church has gotten into over the centuries have resulted from our failure to pray, our unwillingness to wait on Him for an answer, and our insistence on running ahead of Him to do what we think best. We want to blame Satan for our troubles, but the fact is, we do a good job of fouling up the Lord's work all by ourselves.

4. However you treat the church, Jesus takes personally.

In the Old Testament, this truth pertained to the nation of Israel. However people treated them, God took personally. In the New Testament, the same principle is stated repeatedly concerning the church.

"Inasmuch as you do it unto the least of these my brethren, you do it unto me" (Matthew 25:40,45). However we treat the members of the Lord's body, we are doing so to Jesus.

To Saul of Tarsus, the persecutor of the followers of Jesus, the Lord said, "Why do you persecute me" (Acts 9:4). In touching them, he was striking out against Jesus.

To the faithful through the ages, Hebrews 6:10 pertains. "God is not unjust so as to forget your work, and the love that you have shown toward His name, in having ministered to the saints and in still ministering." What we do toward the saints of the Lord, we do to Him.

When we bless the Lord's children, we bless Him. When we trouble them--or upset His church--we incur His wrath and earn a place on His appointment calendar.

I once told the last church I pastored that a little group was meeting in the foyer before and after every service to discuss how to get rid of me. I told them that the church as a whole was supportive and faithful, but the membership needed to know what that group was up to. Then, I added, "I want to say two things to that group: 1) God is using you in my life to get the rough edges off. And 2), He has penciled your names in on His calendar. You will stand before Him at judgment and give account for what you are doing to His church and the man He has sent to lead your church. And friend, I wouldn't be in your shoes for anything in the world.

5. The ministers are not sent to make the church happy. They are sent by God to make Him happy, and to make you the members holy and healthy.

I submit there are not 10 members in the typical Baptist church who know this. Our people sincerely think that because they vote on the preacher and can vote him out if they please, he is there to please them. The preacher is expected to take care of all their needs, and if they are unhappy, it's an indication he's failing.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I wish I could find a stronger way to say this: Church member, God does not care a whit whether you like the preacher or not. He does not care that you had a need and the preacher was not there for you. The preacher is not Jesus. He cannot be everywhere, meeting every need, answering every prayer. Where did you get that idea?

Church member, God does not care whether you are happy with the preacher or whether he makes you angry.

A good preacher will push you and provoke you sometimes, and if he doesn't, he's playing around and not doing the job God sent him for.

If you demand that he make you happy and keep the congregation satisfied, you are putting a requirement on the pastor God doesn't, and expecting what the Lord never promised and that no man can fulfill.

Give the church back to Jesus, church member. And while you're at it, accept that the ministers are God's gift to the church, sent by a Holy God to be the church's overseers (Acts 20:28) to shepherd the flock (same verse).

When the prophet Elijah challenged the henchmen of Baal on Mt. Carmel to see which god (God) answered with fire, he prayed a prayer I have offered time and again and which I suggest to all my ministry friends: "Lord, let these people know that you are God, and that I'm your servant whom You have sent" (I Kings 19:36, my paraphrase).

God has a vested interest in demonstrating both realities today: that He is God and that the shepherd is acting on His behalf.

Conclusion

The toughest scripture in all God's Word may be Hebrews 13:17. Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account, so that they can do this with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.

That word lets no one off the hook. The spiritual leaders are told they will stand before God and give account for their flock. What a scary thought. No wonder pastors have to be called by God. No one in his right mind would volunteer for such an assignment and awesome responsibility.

Church members are to submit to their leadership. (See Ephesians 5:21) That does not mean to be passive, to rubber stamp all their requests, or to check your discernment at the door. I grant that unscrupulous preachers have sometimes used this text to manipulate the flock into following them blindly, a la Jim Jones. Such preachers will have their own comeuppance at Judgement. However, this does not relieve the disciples of the Lord Jesus from submitting to godly leadership for the sake of unity, for the witness of Christ in the community, and for the efficiency of the ministry.

If something in the above did not plow a furrow down the middle of your life, church leader or church member, you may not have been paying attention.

If you are offended, may I suggest you analyze the emotions you feel. Ask yourself whether you are willing to do His will above all, wherever that should lead, and if the anger is justified.

Honor His church, my friend. In doing so, you will honor the Lord Jesus. Fail to honor it and you have put yourself above Him, for He "loved the church and gave Himself for it."

No one who is married qualifies as an authority on marriage.

It's no doubt true that some writers on the subject and professors who deal with this in academia may be considered such. But all the people I know married for any length of time have one overwhelming sense about them: Staying married and getting it right is hard work and cannot be done perfectly.

Taking two individuals who are sinners, needy, flawed, and still becoming whoever they will eventually be, and locking them into the most intimate of all relationships--then telling them it's for the rest of their lives!--can be scary.

Marriage is tough.

Staying married takes everything two people have to offer. Only the truly determined or the terminally timid stick with it for decade after decade.

Marriage is a relationship designed to reduce its participants to a state of eternal perplexity, complete inadequacy, and thus a daily dependence on God.

No wonder many are opting out on the institution these days.

In this second decade of the third millennium, marriage is becoming increasingly unpopular. People need a good reason for getting married, otherwise, they see they can have the benefits of a legal union without any of the obligations.

That said, for those considering it, we offer our list of marriage values that will take you and your husband/wife through to the end and leave you rejoicing that you hung in there.

1. Get to be friends before anything else.

Warning: if it is love at first sight for the two of you, beware. Plan to do nothing permanent until the blush of excitement has cooled to a livable temperature. No decisions should ever be made when one is running a fever, has lost his appetite, talks for hours with his lover on the phone about nothing, and goes around in a daze.

Get past that ("the stupids") before deciding anything.

Get to be friends. Join groups, play games, work on projects.

Find out if you really like each other enough to want the friendship to last forever.

Many a person has fallen in love with someone they don't really like. From the moment the bloom fades from the relationship, the news is all bad.

2. Insist on lots of pre- and post-marital counseling.

You knew about premarital counseling? Good. Go for all of that you can get. But don't stop there.

Two months after the wedding, schedule a tune-up visit with whoever gave the premarital counsel. Give him/her in advance of your session a list of things you and your spouse want to discuss.

Many a pastor feels the time they devoted to premarital counseling was a waste of time. As one told me, "They don't appreciate the counsel until they've been married a while. Then, they really need it."

Few pastors/churches offer followup counseling to newlyweds.

I used to tell couples, "I want you to come back a few months into this marriage. Let's talk about what you have found out about yourself and each other."

No one ever did. Perhaps it was my failure to initiate the session, but the few times we tried to schedule followups, we got no takers.

3. Live out your faith with each other.

Talk about your faith. Worship together. After church, go to lunch and discuss the service you just attended--the hymns, the prayers, the sermon, everything. And pray together.

Try this while you're still dating. Open the Bible, read a few verses, then each of you say what you hear that scripture say. Discuss it. Whether you agree is unimportant. The main thing is you are discussing matters of the spirit. Then, pray together. Even if it's only a sentence or two, so long as you are each addressing the Lord on behalf of your relationship, a sentence is as good as a paragraph.

Keep up this practice, and when the time comes that you are doing it at your breakfast table, you will find it easier, more natural, and far more beneficial.

If you wait until you are married to start reading the Scriptures and praying together, the chances are you'll never do it.

Some suggestions about praying together...

--Do not pray against the other. You know, something like: "And Lord, help Elsie to remember to do what I asked her to do." "Lord, I pray that you will forgive Ellis for what he said to me today." Prayer is not for manipulation of the other.

--Do not overload your prayer. If one of you offers a sentence prayer and the other calls on God for a full 10 minutes, this is not good. If the first one praying offers a short prayer, the second should not be overly long. If the first is lengthy, the second is free to pray as short or as long as desired.

--Genuinely and graciously, ask for Heaven's blessings on each other. Tell God something about the other that blessed you today. Thank the Father for the privilege of being married to this son/daughter of His.

I remind myself regularly that my wife is the authority on Joe's Christianity. She who knows me best and sees me at my worst needs no speeches from me about my faith. Someone once asked Dwight L. Moody if a certain man were a Christian. "I don't know," he said. "I haven't talked to his wife."

Husband, make your wife believe in your loyalty to Jesus Christ.

4. Aggressively seek out some great friends for yoiur marriage.

I once performed a remarriage for a couple. "May I ask why you divorced in the first place?" I asked them. "Pastor," they said, "all our friends were getting divorced. So when we started having problems, it seemed to be the thing to do."

Later they realized the divorce had been a mistake, and corrected it.

Church is a great place to find friends in your age group, with children the ages of your children, people with interests you have in common. A Sunday School class is ideal for this purpose.

5. Make married life (family life) fun.

When our children were small, family trips in the car were song times. We sang every chorus--children's, church, serious or silly--we could think of. We laughed and told stories and played games. On long trips, I would buy a sackful of small candy items at a store and to help pass the time, would award one item to the winners of our games.

One game we developed was shamelessly manipulative on my part, but I was trying to keep the older boys occupied on days we were trying to travel 500 miles or more. "Tell me when we have traveled 5 miles. The one who comes the closest wins." (These days, mile markers are everywhere, so that no longer works. But it worked then!)

We made up jokes and played riddles. We bought joke books. One person would read the first part of the joke, then stop while everyone else in the car tried to finish the joke.

From time to time, I meet young people growing up in homes with no laughter. It's as sad as anything I know.

6. Be quick to forgive. You'll have plenty of practice.

I have a theory--or maybe it's a full-blown conviction--that anyone married 3 years has grounds for divorce. That is, if each party were to keep a record of every slight, every putdown or neglect or hurt, every harsh word and misunderstanding, they could convince a judge this marriage was a mistake from the beginning.

Marriage is a union of two flawed people. Two sinners. Two people seriously in need of grace and mercy and constant forgiveness.

No married person gets it right every time. Everyone gets tired and irritable sometimes. Everyone needs space to himself sometimes. Everyone will forget something they should have remembered, will say something wrong, will be angry at this most important one in their lives. It's how we are.

One couple who asked me to marry them did not want to use the words "til death do us part." They explained, "So many say it and end up divorcing. We want to be honest." I said, "What do you want to say?" They said, "We want to commit ourselves to each other 'so long as love shall last.'"

I said, "That'll be about Tuesday." I quickly explained that in the best of marriages, there will be days when you despise the other, when you will feel this marriage was a mistake, when you will want to walk away. I added, "Your marriage has to be based on something stronger than how you are feeling at a given time."

Asked what I recommended, I said, "Til death do us part."

This requires us to learn the art of dealing with conflicts and learning how to reconcile. Which means we'll be doing a lot of forgiving and apologizing.

You will be needing a great deal of grace; you will want to extend a great deal of grace.

7. Protect your family. Give it a high priority.

When our grandson Grant was a preschooler, we were out spending the day together doing our usual activities (the zoo, feeding the ducks in the park, visiting McDonald's Playplace). I said, "Grant, would you like to spend the night with grandpa and grandma sometime?" That seemed like an obvious thing to me since we live one mile apart. He was quiet, then said, "Grandpa, I just like to be with my family."

I love that. What can possibly be finer than for a child to love his family so much as to want to be with them above all.

I'm happy to report that his mom and dad and his sisters all feel the same way.

When our bunch was young, on our vacations at the beach dad was not much fun. I was constantly tired and just wanted to sleep. That did not sit well with Margaret and the kids. One day, she looked up from a magazine she was reading. "Now I know why you're no fun on vacations," she said.

The article said it takes the average person 3 days to relax on a vacation and they begin gearing back up 3 days before the vacation ends. "In a weeklong vacation," Margaret said, "that means you are relaxed exactly one day."

Thereafter, we took two and three-week long vacations whenever possible. My wife will tell you it was one of the smartest things we ever did for our family.

Dads whose jobs take them out of town a great deal must work hard at giving the family the priority it deserves when he returns. Mothers must not get too heavily involved in clubs, hobbies, even church activities, that take them away from the family too much.

8. Turn loose of old hurts and slights and pains.

Here's a scenario for you. In the counseling room, the wife says, "Well, when we got married, Tom spent the first two weeks going by his mom's house every day after he got off work."

The counselor: "And how many years have you been married?"

Wife: "Thirty-six."

Counselor: "And you are still fretting about that? Turn it loose, lady!"

Okay, the counselor is probably not going to be that direct, but she needs to turn that loose. The husband can probably match her tit-for-tat if they want to bring up ancient grievances.

But who wants to? I for one do not.

Learn to forgive, then forget. Scripture says, Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do (Colossians 3:13).

Notice the three steps in that verse: Forbear, forgive, and forget! Forget? It's implied, my friend, by that line: "as Christ forgave you." (See Hebrews 10:17)

Someone says, "I can forgive it, but I can't forget it." My answer is, "Sure you can. But you may have to consciously determine to put it out of your mind again and again until it leaves." It will not automatically vanish the first time you say you forgive.

9. Keep a healthy fear of God in your heart of hearts.

A pastor's wife said of her husband once, "I don't have to worry about Frank committing adultery. He fears God too much." Her man, sitting at her side, laughed and said, "You've got that right."

A healthy fear of God is a righteous thing.

This is not the place for a lengthy discussion as to what the fear of God means, but one strong element in our relationship to the Heavenly Father must always be the knowledge that we shall one day stand before Him and give account of all we have done in this life (Romans 14:12). Our accountability to Him is what Andrew Murray once called the most awesome fact he knew about our earthly existence.

This unconcern about God--of what He thinks about our behavior, whether what we are doing is incurring His wrath and scheduling us for judgement--leads me to conclude that a great portion of those who trouble the Lord's churches are practicing atheists. They will tell you of their conversion and swear up and down they believe all the Bible. What they do not do, however, is fear God. And that's as serious as anything I know.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 1:7; 9:10; 15:33). We must not try to explain this away as some kind of awe and respect. To fear God means to bear in mind that God is the Almighty God, that He is Lord of all, and that we shall one day stand before Him and give account. That is a scary thought, and well it ought to be.

10. Keep your family growing and bearing fruit.

Kansas City Pastor Paul Brooks told me once, "I took up golf so I would have something to do with my sons when they became teenagers."

One smart man.

No family is static. Every child grows and therefore every family lives in a constant state of flux. This puts a burden on the parents; this gives a great opportunity to the parents.

Dads and moms should stay up with books and magazine articles that deal with their children at whatever stage they're in or entering. Southern Baptists' "Home Life" is as good as there is for this purpose. In my travels to various churches, I'm always glad to see so many keeping a supply of these in the church foyers for families to pick up at no cost to them. It's an investment with a great payoff.

Focus on the Family has incredible resources in this regard.

The payoff is that one day, you will look back and realize that you have (basically) completed the job of raising your children. They're out of the house, they're married and have families of their own. They will still need you from time to time, and you wouldn't have it any other way.

They'll all come home from time to time. Our three children and their families were here this past weekend to help Margaret and me celebrate our fiftieth. The laughter and happiness will reverberate in my heart for many years to come. It was truly one of the great weekends of my life.

Remember the old poem that includes the line: Grow old with me; the best is yet to come. It's true.

What we call the "golden years" do not happen automatically, young marrieds. Work at it now, stay with it through the difficult times, get help when you must, and one day, you will realize you have come through the storms and the sun is shining. There will still be challenges and problems in this fallen world populated by flawed people. But you will be so glad you stayed in this marriage and worked to make it happen.

Take my word for it.

Write a book on how you succeeded with nary a mishap and made it to the top without a struggle of any kind and even your best friend, after buying a dozen copies, will lay it aside halfway through. It's boring.

But tell how you struggled, how you failed and got back up, how life handed you lemons and you made a meringue pie, and we will all read it and cheer you on.

Our previous blog told of ten mistakes Margaret and I made over a half-century of marital bliss. (I'm putting that word in there just for her, to give her a smile. There were blissful moments, to be sure, but so many of the bad moments, the times when you're so miserable you don't know what to do except throw yourself on the mercy of God and love each other by faith.)

I told a friend yesterday that, in retrospect, the good times in our marriage were like the Smoky Mountains, and the bad times like the Rockies. That is, the good were nice and pleasant, green and verdant and sweet. But it's the jagged outcrops of granite that seem to loom above everything else, causing us to remember those more than the other.

The first article was about the Rockies. This one is about the Smokies.

So, as promised, here are ten things we got right in a half-century of marriage. And so you won't wonder, Margaret and I made the list last night over supper. It's a joint project.

As we said in the previous epistle, we talked about parachuting out of the pain, but hung tough. Consequently, God has blessed us richly in a thousand ways.

2. We got counsel.

Again, this is told in the previous article.

When I encounter some husband who is reluctant to accompany his wife for marriage counseling, I tell him I sympathize. I protested for nearly 20 years of marriage. The best surprise I received from sitting in the counseling room was discovering that the counselor is a friend, not a judge, not the referee, and not partial. Our counselors have always become great friends for both of us.

3. We had some great kids.

Our three are now in their 40's and are the joy of our lives. Neil is the oldest (Joe Neil, Jr.), then Marty (John Marshall) and finally Carla, known to many of our oldest friends as Jinoke. We adopted her from Korea in 1974 when she was 5 years old.

Neil is married to Julie, lives here in the N.O. area, and they are parents of Grant, 17, and Abby and Erin, 15. Marty lives in Charlotte, NC., is married to Misha, and they are parents of Darilyn, nearly 15, and Jack, 10. Carla lives in Laconia, New Hampshire, and is a single mom of Leah, 22, Jessica, 20, and JoAnne, 14.

How does that line go--Grandchildren are God's reward for your not killing your children when they were teenagers! I tell my three they will never know just how close they came! But it was worth the wait for these incredible 8 youngsters who are grandpa's heart.

4. Our friends made a world of difference.

When I hear preachers say that pastors should not make close friends among church members, I want to respond, "Are you out of your mind? Where else are you going to find friends? These are the people you spend most of your time with."

Margaret and I have a few close friends in the ministry, but most of our dearest friends over the years have come from our church families. These days they live all over the country, not just in a Mississippi town where we first met them.

When we got in trouble, our friends were there. The true friends, I mean. The kind who would take a bullet for you.

When our sons were in their late teens and, alongwith their buddies, were trying to become gangsters (that's called hyperbole), Margaret rallied our friends. She pulled together the mothers of these boys. They met for coffee from time to time, talked about what they were experiencing, gave each other support, and prayed for one another.

The number one reason our marriage lasted 50 years (and threatens to go onward) is friends.

5. We had supportive churches.

Two of the last three churches we served established the gold standard for supporting a pastor and his wife. The First Baptist churches of Columbus, Mississippi, and Kenner, Louisiana, were led by solid, mature, sweet Christian men and women, who did not panic when they discovered their pastor and his mate were having difficulty in their home or trouble raising a kid.

In the previous article, where I told of Margaret's and my testimony on a Sunday night in March of 1981 ("The Home God Healed"), at the end, I told the church that we were there because of them. They were steadfast, they were loving and prayerful and understanding. And they did one thing more that made all the difference.

They let me know that if I walked away from this marriage, I could not be their pastor. (Call me stupid--I was--but I really had thought my position as pastor might survive a divorce. The leadership telling me 'no' was a wakeup call I had needed. There is a time, friends, to tell a preacher, "If you do that, you are gone.")

6. We gave each other mutual encouragement to grow.

Readers should not assume that Margaret and I were always at odds with each other. We weren't. Sometimes we got it right, even for lengthy periods. Case in point.

Margaret had never been much of a student in school. She dropped out of her freshman year at UAB and went to work. And yet, the first time I saw her in church to know who she was, she was 17 and giving a talk before a youth group. I was blown away by her eloquence and intelligence.

Imagine my surprise when we began dating and I learned her self-confidence was at the basement level.

After I finished seminary and we were pastoring in the Mississippi Delta, she and a friend decided to take a couple of easy freshman courses at nearby Delta Junior College. Many years later, she graduated from Mississippi University for Women (Columbus, MS) summa cum laude. And I threw her a party to celebrate.

I supported her in her continuing education, and in 1972, she supported my plans to return to New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary for a doctorate.

We were on each other's team and never competitors or rivals. We got a lot of things like that right.

7. We made vacations special.

Our son Neil sometimes makes a point of reminding us of trips to the King Tut Exhibit in New Orleans in 1977, of short vacations at various state parks, and of lengthy vacation trips into New England with stops all along the way at the homes of U.S. presidents.

I read the Chronicles of Narnia to our children at a state park in rural Mississippi. We went fishing and hiking, we killed snakes and cooked out.

Once Margaret looked up from a magazine she was reading. "Now I know why you're no fun on vacation." An article in Psychology Today pointed out that it takes the average vacationer 3 days to gear down to rest, and 3 days before returning home he/she begins gearing back up. "That means you have 1 day to enjoy the vacation," Margaret said.

Thereafter, when we could, we scheduled vacations for 2 weeks or even three.

8. We honored each other's parents.

Fortunately, our parents loved us and we loved them. So, this was never a chore.

However....

Once when we were newlyweds and living around the corner from Margaret's parents, I came home from work to find her in tears. Her mother had reamed her out about something. I walked out the door and down the block. "Mother," I said, "She's my wife. And you will not ever, ever do that to her again."

Give her credit. She took that well, respected me for it, and treated her daughter like a married woman thereafter.

9. We learned how to solve problems, how to discuss the bad stuff, how to pray together.

In our fairly miserable North Carolina years (the late 1980s), when a few sick church members were harassing us and some nicer ones were pressuring us to leave, we developed a practice which I've recommended to pastors ever since. We had a time on the back porch every afternoon to discuss, fuss, and/or cuss. We read Scripture, we prayed, and we griped. We laughed, we cried, and we talked about the "sons of belial" (S.O.B.s). And then we left it on the porch.

We had an understanding you could say anything on the porch, but you could not bring it in the house.

Once we were about to read Psalm 67. I have no idea why that particular psalm. But suddenly, everything inside me said, "No. Psalm 66." I couldn't have told you anything about either one, but I moved back to 66, and began reading.

Right in the middle of that psalm--verses 10-12--we saw our situation perfectly described. It was stunning. What are the chances of that happening accidentally?

Margaret saw something else there that I missed. "You brought us out to a place of abundance." In our prayer, she said, "And Lord, we thank you for the promise you've given us here, that you will bring us to a place of abundance."

Thereafter, we claimed that promise. In September of 1990, when the Lord led us to New Orleans to pastor the FBC of Kenner (and in 2004 to become the area missionary for over 130 SBC churches), we found out what "abundance" really means. Romans 5:20 comes to mind: Where sin abounded, grace did much more abound. (New Orleans, like Las Vegas and a few other places, had a well-earned reputation for the abundance of its sin. One more instance of the Lord surprising His disciples by the specificity of His fulfilling His word.)

10. We learned from the mistakes of others.

Margaret's parents, Waller and Inez Henderson, were wonderful people in a hundred ways. They loved me from start to finish and were precious in-laws. But they seem to have been a mismatch in marriage and their children paid a dear price for the unhappiness they experienced.

We more or less insisted they have a 50th anniversary reception. Margaret and her sisters put it on, and old friends flocked to the occasion. Later, I said to her, "I'm so glad your parents have persevered through the tough times. Now, in their twilight years, they can provide pleasant companionship for each other."

You would have thought.

But it was not to be.

After 55 years of marriage, she moved out and divorced him.

A couple in their 90s went to see a lawyer. "We want to get a divorce," they told him. He was astounded. "How long have you people been married?" he asked. "Seventy-five years." "Why have you waited this long to get a divorce?" "Well sir, we were sort of waiting until the children died."

Bad joke. But it seemed to fit what my in-laws did.

Margaret and I are learning that these retirement years really can be the sweetest and most rewarding of all. We have a wonderful, supportive relationship with each other and with our children and their families. We have income enough to live on, and I'm still being invited to preach all over. We're members of an outstanding church (the one I last pastored, from 1990-2004, where our son is chairman of deacons and his wife is the pastor's administrative assistant) and have friends all over.

Thank you, Lord.